meat eater

So after a few months of no meat I've started to have a hard time. Mind you I did not make this connection at first. But I got sick a few times. And my belly has been unhappy. And I've been super tired. Last week I couldn't do my usual daily doubles of workouts.

I bumped into the lady who used to be my nutritionist when I first started my journey. She looked at me and said "WOW! Hello skinny" She had been with me from the start but we had parted a few months in with her move and my change in diet. But she looked at me kinda funny and said "I'd like to talk to you more. Call me Sunday" So I did. And this is what she said: "I can tell by the circles under your eyes and the state of your skin something is not right. What is going on with your diet?"

Woah. I'll tell you honestly this made me feel kinda bad. She saw me once in the Safeway. But she was right. I have been feeling bad. SO I said "well I don't know... I did stop eating meat" ha ha. I said it so nonchalantly!

And very gently she reminded me of the need for protein- and the way my individual body had responded to the protein. I shared my food diary with her and told her I had been making specific efforts to get the right balance. I had even increased supplements of B12 and D, But she explained that in vitamins only part of them get absorbed and the rest are pushed out. She also explained my blood type and the dietary needs. I loved her guidance. She did not bash the veg lifestyle. In fact she said many positive things about it and for some it is a very wise choice. For me however from what she had known of my nutrition as well as what she is currently seeing in the way it is processing with my very demanding athletic routine- it is not a good fit.

So continues the science project that is my body. She pretty much said two things that really hit- one was the reminder of my goals- to be physically athletic. The other was this "You lived so long in a food coma. You wanted to listen to your body and take care of it. It's talking to you and you can hear it. Are you going to ignore what it's saying?"

I had chosen the vegetarian lifestyle because I wanted good health. And while I truly believe that many can thrive this way, I have not. And so I agreed to try lean organic meats again. I am sad about this honestly. But I was pretty much threatened that I would be damaging my body, decreasing my abilities, as well as possibly having to get injections of B12 eventually. This is not something I care to do.

I am not at all bashing the vegetarian life. I am not saying you can't do it well. But sadly, I will be digging into my meat. Here goes.

on coaching:

So I coached special olympics volleyball through the fall season. I loved every minute of it! The athletes were amazing and I was happy to get my certification and grow as a leader. I was challenged by their abilities and their lack of abilities. I was forced to learn to communicate differently. I was provoked in my own abilities by their examples of sportsmanship and determination.

Last weekend I took the A team to the Regional Competitions. This ended the year and allowed the teams to try to earn a medal. I don't think I realized how intense or stressful coaching was.

That Sunday we had 6 games. The first two went great. The second two I was warned- the opposing team was big, good and foul. I had no idea how right this advice was. My sweet team lost it. They bent under the pressure, they listened to the jeering from the other team, they started cussing and blaming each other. It was so stressful to be the one making the calls. It was also fascinating to watch. The more their teamwork faded to individual efforts the worse they did. And there was no reasoning with them. They blew it and could not turn their mind games around. We lost. And then we lost the second game. It was a roller coaster of emotion for me as a coach. I have such love for my players but was pissed by their actions and felt very powerless to get them back on track.

Afterwards I had just a bit of time before the next game. This was a pivotal moment. I had a choice to make. I really needed to tell them as I saw it. No matter how good they would have played their attitudes made them losers. I was disappointed in their lack of teamwork and sportsmanship. But to tell this outright could have gone either way. It could have motivated them or really killed their spirit. I had to make a choice.

In the end I chose to tell them off(in a kind way of course). I told them I was disappointed. I told them that their lack of teamwork I believe cost them the game and their goal of the gold medal. I also told them that if they behaved like that the last two games I would make the choice right then and there to forfeit the game. I said all this, and then gave them time to make their choice if they wanted to change it around or give up.

When I walked out I was terrified. I didn't want to hurt them but I also knew as athletes what happened was not okay. I took a risk. And it paid off. When I came back in they were ready to play. And they did! They won the last two games with great teamwork! We even got the silver medal!

Coaching is hard work! I don't have it mastered but even with all the stress in those moments the experience was exhilarating! I loved every minute of it! Honestly in all of it, it was great to be a part of the process. It was great to see the team come together again. It was amazing to see them get a medal. They were such a great group of personalities- so loveable. It was sweet sweet silver victory!

looking back while living in the now

My very dear friend here in Portland recently told me that she had perused my old blogs just to get to know me better through the years before she knew me. I cringed because there has been so much change in me over these past few years I think the person who wrote those blogs doesn't even exist. I wonder even if the me now and the me then would even like each other.

I don't just mean it physically but I was provoked by the Biggest Loser this last week. Daniel was on the show both seasons and he young and weighed over 400 pounds. He was looking at a picture of himself at his heaviest and he said "I hate the person in that picture. But then I realize that that person was the one who decided to change" GULP. Okay Daniel, I get it. I get it. Ahh this journey. For those introspective like me... it's just a ride.

My trainer is incredibly amused by my introspection. He gets it and gets me but is always just amused how I can draw out something from struggling with my push ups or something. I can't help it. It's part of my charming package deal. ha.

I think this whole before/after not only physically but mentally and emotionally has made it hard for me to blog as much as I used to. Well that and I have no flippin time. But really it's just hard to be in this place with pages and pages archived of wounds and ick and immaturity and self abuse. Then again it is my history and like Daniel the girl who chose to change so I can be who I am now.

Weird. I'm being challenged to look at my worth and my potential and I'm realizing I LIKE myself. I LIKE my life. I am not uber confident. I am not full of myself. Interestingly enough my friend the other day looked confused at me when I said I struggled with hating myself and my body. She never would have thought that. I guess we never really realize those things unless someone outwardly displays it eh?

Anyway thats the journey for the time being... Will try to visit back here much more often. Will try to inspire you or at least let you know you're not alone out there. Have a good weekend!

October befores and after...

Here we go kids! Sorry for my absence. I will make an effort to be here more! You asked for it! Here we gooooooo! (you can click on them to look at them bigger. oh man)

October 2007:




October 2008

October 2009


Hey not bad! Just started a new regime with much more training. Can't wait to see what NEXT October will look like! Keep it up. If I can do this, you most certainly can too!

prayer

This past Friday while stuck at the airport waiting for my delayed flight I had some thinking time. I decided it would be good to pray a little. I sat at the PDX airport looking out at the beauty of the foothills, the green and the tiny raindrops on the windows. I had no idea where to begin.

I praised God for the beauty and for the way he provided for me and for the life path I am on. I acknowledged that He is sovereign in my life and that truly to my depths I knew He is truly in control. And I like that. And I trust this. I also started to apologize to God because my prayer life is not what it used to be. Not at all. But most of my life is a night and day difference now too. "So what is is supposed to be like?" I asked. I have no idea. Spare me the Sunday school answers. I know it's worship and praise and confession. But how does the conversation and the relationship look as I've grown and changed...

I realized that most of my airport prayer time used to be from fear. I was so terrified of flying. And now I am not. And then I started thinking about so many other parts of my prayers- fear... Fear someone would be sick or die. Fear I would not have what I needed. Fear that what I wanted to happen would not. Fear of the unknown... of the known... of life and myself and the people around me I loved who could leave me or hurt me in the blink of an eye.

I was eased with a wave of realization: I have been healed of that fear. Yes I still get worked up but it's so much less than the grip that had be before. So yes my prayer life HAS changed because He has changed me...

I'm still working into it. Still trying to figure out what it's supposed to look like. And that has to come in me with Him. It can't be a model after someone else. It can't be read in a book. It can't be taught to me. It is what moves in my heart, so I will get familiar with the beat.

this is going to be good!

On being Vegetarian

Some people have asked. So I may as well tell you my take on it all. You may disagree with me and I am okay with that. I am not on a mission to make everyone choose a vegetarian lifestyle. It is just the choice I have made for me personally. As a trainer I would never impose this on another. I would impose a healthy lifestyle but I am aware that can look many ways.

I was first really truly introduced to it last year when I went to training at the Adventist Hospital that I sometimes am assigned to work at for my job. It is part of their religious practice and they hold many great health statistics as to why this is part of the way they operate their hospital. I appreciated it and went on about my life.

Then as I was doing some of Bob Harper's daily challenges I realized that he was incorporating more tofu and beans and fruits and veggies into the nutritional challenges. I liked the way they tasted. I liked the way they made me feel. I started to wonder what it would be like to go veg. Then I started to notice a difference in Bob's physique and I was like "hmm how can I get long lean muscles like that?!" Shortly after Bob started to talk about going vegetarian and my wheels were spinning.

Not to be one to jump on a bandwagon without immense research I started asking around, I started reading all the books I could find on the pros and cons of vegetarian lifestyles, I started looking into athletes and trainers who eat vegetarian. So many people immediately harp on the protein thing and say you cannot be healthy yet I was looking at the nutrition information and a balanced plant based diet had a lot of really amazing benefits.

Yes I also started to learn more about the treatment of animals and the conditions of slaughterhouses. I won't go into it here or probably ever. I will tell you that I spent a few hours reading up on this and literally WEEPING about it. And it's a motivator but ultimately my primary motivation is health. Lower cancer rates, lower risk of heart disease, lower obesity rates, lower cholesterol, longer life expectancy. Granted these results can be had with a good lean meat eating diet. I just liked the veggie option. It's been a few weeks and I am feeling quite wonderful! I even got a nasty flu bug several coworkers had and beat it in a shorter span of time!

So what does my diet look like? It looks the same as before just no meat. I do enjoy the tofu and fake meat options. I also enjoy legumes and nuts a whole lot. Hello Peanut Butter!!! I add Vitamin D and B12 to my daily vitamins. I get 6 or more servings of whole grains, 3 or more of vegetables, 2 or more of fruits, 6 of protein rich foods, 2 of fats (sparingly) and try for a lot of calcium. I feel good. I have not noticed and decline in my performance in the gym or in life. And living in Oregon thank goodness, there are plenty of restaurants and options for me. So there you have it, if you were wondering.

Coaching and being coached

Much to my joy I was asked to coach Special Olympics this season. Having no coaching experience and no volleyball expertise I shook my head at the coach asking like "what are you thinking?!" She said they needed someone who loved physical activity, loved loving people and could be encouraging. "I'm your girl!" I responded.

On the first night of practice the love affair began. My players took to me immediately. Within minutes one was telling me all about her karate class and trying to show me moves, another had targeted me for playful mischief, another decided I was the huggy one of the coaches. And they are amazing athletes.

Mind you I have not played volleyball since high school and I can guarantee you I was not stellar at this then. So first night the head coach has us break into two groups. There are troubles at the other group and the coach comes to me and says "Look I can see you are comfortable with the players and they seem to love you. So I am going to go over and help out there. You just need to serve the ball over the net to them." OH NO! Let me tell you what happened next.

I served and the ball went every which way but over the net. The players stood ready to hit and when it would go the other way they would sigh and say "rats I didn't get it!" and go to the back of the line and the next group eagerly came up to the same experience. I said "I am sorry guys, I'm not a good server!" And then something amazing happened. One of the players stood with his hands on his hips and loudly yelled "Coach April. You don't say that about you!!!!!" I forgot I was at Special Olympics. I forgot this type of language is not acceptable of players about themselves or each other. I apologized to them and said "You are right! I can do it!" I was secretly praying the ball would go over the net and trying with such great concentration. And it did! My players started to cheer for me and say "Good job Coach April!" I told you they are amazing.

How funny. I was supposed to be the one to come and encourage them and they really gave me something deep in my heart to treasure. I remember this moment when I am in my fitness classes or training sessions and I am not where I want to be in my performance. They are coaching me. And I am loving every minute of it!

hodge podge

I have a feeling this may be a verbal vomit. But it's a chance I am going to take.

I have not been very good about balancing my life lately. Good grief! I just ended my nanny time, went to Iowa for a visit and wedding and then returned to start a new old job immediately.

I am fired up. And not quite sure how to funnel all this fire. I am looking at myself and setting goals for positive changes. It is exciting. But I am impatient. I have this friend who may be the most patient person I know. He is a good role model for me. I mean as I get my certifications and start training people I am supposed to be changing people's lives and bodies gradually. If I am not patient with this what the heck will happen to my clients?! Wow. I have a lot to grow on! He works in a similar trade in my opinion and he has to wait for the process for there to be results. I want to be patient like him! (now!!! ha ha. see? not good!)

Going back to DSM was good. And it was hard. After 2 years away I had not been face to face with old and new me. I didn't realize how much I had changed. I didn't realize how much I have acclimated to Portland. I didn't realize that DSM remains home to my heart but most likely will never be home again. Though there are people there who are home to me if that makes any sense at all.

So I am worked up about food. About healthy food. About education and nutrition. About vegetarian lifestyles I am investigating. And I want to be a food activist. So I am hungrily trying to glean as much information as I can get. I have changed from being insatiable about eating food to being insatiable about reading about nutrition. Now that's just funny! I am reading "The China Study" and "Younger Next year" and "Skinny Bitch" Wow.

I need a moment or something this weekend. I am getting annoyed by my own presence. That isn't a great thing to realize. Gosh.

I started coaching tonight for Special Olympics. Oh my goodness. What to say?! First they are incredible! And they are good! And they are cute and naughty and funny and loving. We hit it off immediately! In the matter of the first few minutes of meeting one was telling me all about her karate class and trying to show moves on me, one was telling me stories about her family, another was trying to play a prank on me. I did not need any acclimation, it was like I was meant to be there! I am so inspired by their sportsmanship! Oh man. I am going to enjoy every minute of this!

Biggest Loser has started! Its a different show this time. I am still trying to figure out what I think about it. Of course it makes me ache to get those certifications done so I can train but there is just so much to take into consideration with it all. And it is exciting and intimidating! So yeah... Stay tuned!