Finding little bits of joy: a romance of life

2012- one month in and feels like a lifetime of learning done!

2012-01-29T19:18:00.000-08:00

What the what?! I haven't blogged this year at all?! I hang my head in shame!

2012 has been intense already and it's only one month in. I feel good about where it's going though. I'm learning things. Or maybe I'm starting to realize that I've been learning things for a while- but just now seeing it.

I kinda freaked out by the end of last year into this one, mostly over money. I had a close friend make a pact with me. We are in similar situations and we'd commiserate about it. We started to realize we spent too much energy on what we didn't have and not enough being grateful for what we DO have. Wouldn't you know as soon as we switched our perspectives we started feeling less anxiety (duh) and seeing ways things could work out. It wasn't pretty but we got it as cheesy self helpy as it sounds, it did in fact help.

I am also continuing to learn about relationships. I'm convinced this is a lifelong process but little gimmmers of wisdom help. I'm understanding that people choose some things. They choose to let you in. They choose to allow you to be important to them. They choose if they are going to let you know your worth to them. In some instances they may make a choice on how they will love you. You cannot control any of it. And sometimes no matter how open you are, you may find your mind blown at what you get out of the deal as you yourself make the same choices.

I'm also learning about other things outside of my control. I pride myself at being very open about my emotions. I speak out about my feelings. I'm honest about this to every person I'm in a relationship of any sort with. And for a while I thought my being forthright would make me safe from losing people. I don't mind conflict/discussion- I think it makes a relationship grow (granted I'm not looking for it, but it doesn't unnerve me) yet no matter how open I am, if the other person isn't, we could still be heading for trouble. You can't make someone else interact the same way as you do and sometimes no matter how hard you try to make a relationship unbreakable, it just can't be. Even if you're being straight up about your part, if they aren't it's still got problems.

I'm also being reminded that good things do come to an end. Friendships do end. Seasons of life do too. After 5 years with my favorite kid Holden and Putter the dog, this summer I'm officially being set free into the wild. I cannot ever adequately express the feeling my heart has about this. However, I also know that it does truly allow me to run face first into the areas of life I've been dreaming of submerging myself in. I'm well aware that I would never had made the break from my side of this commitment so the ending came for me. AND the ending can be good.

Feels like so much. And now that I think about it again, it is JUST January. Wow. If it keeps up like this I'm in for it!!!! haha. Hope your 2012 is giving you what you need. Apparently I needed to learn a few things still...

My 2012 "I wanna"s

2011-12-30T17:12:00.000-08:00

I think the terms resolutions or "to-dos" sound stuffy and not at all like things you would look forward to accomplishing- except maybe the relief of getting them off your list. Whats the point in starting out the year with that kind of stress?!

A new year is like a brand new notebook. It creaks a bit as you open it. The pages are smooth and clean. Anything can happen on those pages. And anything can happen on that new year.

I was recently thinking about how my 2011 started. I had injured my ab muscle. After getting it checked out I was sent away with some pain killers I refused to use and the words "It will heal with time and rest" I had no realization of how much we use our abs. To sit, breathe, stand, sit, turn, drive, go to the bathroom. It was HORRIBLE. I think I welcomed the new year crying and a contorted position before I work up early to go do a job at the hospital I hated. I vowed to myself I would not live the year cowering nor would I continue to do things for money I hated. Slowly over the year I made good on those vows. Not in the ways I thought but nonetheless I did.

My cowering looked like me settling. Looked like me letting the last bits of fear keep me held back. It was the last bits of self esteem blockers that made me think I was never going to be enough of anything or anyone.

And that job was me bullied by coworkers and out of desperation and fear always saying yes to horrible shifts screwing up my sleep schedule, placing me understaffed in the middle of the night sometimes with dangerous situations. I had one co-worker who mocked me to my face and would intentionally leave me alone on the job when I had no clue how to do the task.

I started my own business by September. I am broke. I have no investors and only a few clients. I work several odd jobs to make the bills. It is a kind of stress I have never known. But I am doing what I dream of and nothing is compromised. I am told in a few years I will be smooth sailing. That seems like a long time some days but honestly the comparison is enough to keep me going! Do you know what? I am so happy doing this!

So I was thinking about this year ahead and my I wannas. I'd love to know yours too.

1) give blood (why should I hoard something that could save another person!?)
2) be a mentor/big sister
3) Gain more clients in personal training and life coaching (not cause I wanna be rich- hell "rich" and "fitness professional" don't go together! But because I have the passion and knowledge and I care about people being their best)
4) write something to encourage people to get healthy and have it published
5) Continue to gain a grasp on my eating. It is less emotional eating but often mindless. I still have a ways to go.
6) meet a new athletic goal (perhaps as Meshi hopes- to run a half)
7) commit random acts of kindness even in it's most simplest form. I have a ridiculous amount of love to give. Why not give it?!
8) advocate for things I believe in: healthier school lunches, gay rights, animal kindness, women's self esteem/body image.
9) Inspire and influence people by just living the best life I can.

Happy in your own skin?

2011-12-28T13:02:00.000-08:00

I think most of us look at children and hope for their continued innocence. We understand that if only they could keep that "I can be ANYTHING!" attitude they just might do it. We foster the dreams to be a princess or president with enthusiasm.

And yet there comes a moment when we no longer believe that for ourselves. We start to look more at our limitations and less upon our ambitions. We learn to stifle the adventurer, the dreamer, the child in ourselves. We trade it in for a sure thing- safety and security. We look judgementally on those who have yet to be jaded by practicality.

And here's the thing: we do it with our bodies too.

There's been a lot of news lately about airbrushing and photo shopping. We are seeing that already stunning celebrities are being slenderized and touched up long after their photo shoots. And most of us don't even think about it as we peruse the magazines in the checkout or from our own mailbox. It was only recently when I heard someone mention "she doesn't even have pores" about a picture we were looking at in a magazine that there was ever any question as to what I was looking as was a real depiction.

Weight loss pics have people with excess skin taped back. TV weight loss shows show contestants who have dehydrated themselves. And we sit in awe on our couches wondering why we are working hard and not seeing the same results. This is NOT to say they aren't working hard, it's just to say there is deception to the eye.

The comparison will kill our spirits!

I had been feeling pretty good about my physique. I work hard every week. Granted these holidays have been a sugar fest but I have in no way hopped off my wagon. My beloved roommate gave me the coolest Nike shirt from the Lady Footlocker. It didn't fit. I wear Nike pretty much all the time so I went in to exchange it. The cut was one I don't wear and I was horrified to find that none of them fit. In fact, not one shirt in the whole store fit me. How do you reconcile that in your brain. You lose over 150 pounds and work out at least 10 hours a week or more with a very healthy diet and you cannot wear anything in a fitness store.

The woman at the counter saw my horror. She explained that the store had a more petite style and encouraged me. It was my rib cage and chest that didn't fit the clothing but it didn't matter, my female mind translated every word to "you're too fat" She was stick thin and super sweet she told me "I can't even wear the clothes, they are made for a certain curve that I don't have" Still I left and walked through the mall fighting tears and self hatred before getting to my car and bursting.

Later that day I had a kick ass workout. My body moved like a machine. I was strong and fit. I loved the way I felt when I was done. And I started to think about what I looked like. If I stood in front of the mirror and saw my muscular legs and upper body I would think "Wow! Not too shabby!" If I sat and looked at old pictures or stood in the leg of the old pants I used to be sandwiched into I would think I'd done a pretty good job. But instead I looked at the runner on the treadmill a few over and though she was running slower than I had been and was struggling, I only saw that she was thinner than I was. And for a brief moment probably would have traded my athleticism to be that tiny.

This crap has got to stop. I've come a long way in my own self esteem journey to fall back into self loathing. But it begged a question:

If you had no one/ nothing to compare you physique to. If there were no weight guidelines. If there were no expectations about how your body should look, Would you like what you saw in the mirror or how you felt in your own skin?

How can we live like that?

Don't say you can't do something

2011-11-14T20:49:00.000-08:00

Some of you may remember my blog post a little over a year ago on the handstand ordeal. I struggled believing in my own strength and trusting my beloved Trainer who honestly always knows what I am capable of long before I do. sigh. You can read it here

In the meantime let me show you what I AM capable of now.

And just so I can remember where I came from (politics aside, I'm looking at this body)

And for seven days she rested.

2011-11-08T19:31:00.000-08:00

Over the last few years I haven't been a fan of rest. Wait, who am I kidding? I never have been. It's manifested itself in all sorts of busy ways: work, volunteering, socializing, doing, working out. I've known for a long time I needed to learn how to rest but there aren't many proper rest role models in my surroundings and quite frankly if you want to get to the heart if it, I really didn't want to learn all that much.

This also appeared in my fitness life. This is hard to admit because I as a trainer I really do want my clients to be their best. To rest when needed, when sick or tired. But for the last 3 years I've been a machine. And I have loved it. Make no mistake, my life and workouts have been JOY.

So recently when my workouts started to be affected by my tiredness I had to take note. In some instances I was at my fittest, in others I was working my way to staleness/fatigue/possible injury. I knew it and was taking my stubborn time trying to come to terms with surrendering it. I had to take a rest week. Or a rest week (or longer) would eventually take me.

I was terrified. First and foremost, I LOVE working out. The entire process whether I am with my trainer or in a class or just solo is like coming home to heaven for me. Second, there is that little part of me that has been working so hard for so long that didn't quite trust herself to stop. Third, I honestly know that my fitness has replaced my coping skill of eating and I was afraid if I stopped, some bad habits would come up.

Do you know what happened?

I made this a goal. I'm good at goals. I write them on a board that I see first thing when I get up. I worked my mind up before I did it. I looked at it like a fast and strategized that I would use the normal 12 hours a week I exercised into other thing such as a nap, meditation, research, goal completing time.

I slept.
And slept.
Like the dead, I have slept!
I didn't even know how tired I was. I was so tired in fact that my mind couldn't talk my body into failing at this week long goal.

I didn't go crazy either. I will admit there are parts of me even now (as I type this its day 5) that deeply desires the rush of pushing myself hard, of the freedom of a good run, of the hum of the cycle wheel, the challenge of a new exercise. But I know it's coming soon.

I haven't binged or eaten badly. I also haven't stuffed my emotions. I have felt them and tried my best to process them.

I actually am enjoying this thing called rest. I often ignore it during the weeks. I lie to myself doing just as hard of a workout but only once and I say that was an "easy or moderate" workout.

This whole process has been good for me. My workouts are an important part of my life and will continue to be. My dedication to them should be based on love and not inadequacies or fears. My body is where I live. It's the only thing I have. And I must maintain it. That not only means being healthy with food/exercise/relationships... but in rest. I get it. I do. Honestly for the first time.

Love and Miracles

2011-10-21T16:10:00.000-07:00

Do you believe in miracles?
Even in the smallest things.

Recently I got a book from the library called "You were born for this" about allowing God to use us for ordinary miracles. I was excited when I checked it out but honestly, as I read it I started to get a little nervous. It was pretty darned clear that I may be out of my comfort zone a bit. I mean it is blind faith to give a stranger a ride, risk a conversation, give away something. But the thought of being used to make someone feel hope feels more important than my comfort. So I hesitantly prayed "Okay God, use me for miracles!"

Fast forward to my current life. Let me be embarrassingly honest- money is a struggle right now. I've risked a lot to try to do the Person Training biz. I live in an over saturated market in a city that is broke and unemployed. Plus most people know that when you start your own biz you ride a roller coaster for a few years till you get your feet underneath of you. So I work all sorts of odd jobs, barter and pray that the ends meet. And they do- but there is nothing to spare (which is fine because the important stuff got taken care of) I can't remember being more broke but to be honest, I kinda like this adventure even though I panic from time to time. I have honestly never been happier. And never understood the value of a dollar, spare time, kindness as I do right now.

Last weekend I took care of Holden and his Mom was supposed to pay me but she left for a trip. So today a week later she left me cash (which she usually writes me a check) and I was excited because it meant I could get some groceries at Winco and would have a spare 20 or so bucks after to save for the month ahead.

I was happily trolling Winco. I talk to the service people and ask them how they are. I heard details of the Deli woman's recent flu and chatted with a stranger about how Egg Nog is already out on the shelves. And as I am walking, I feel something bubbling up. You may think I'm crazy, but for me it's that little jolt of nervous adrenaline like something is up. I walk down the isle and past a man who smelled strongly of grease and oil. His hands were black with grease, he looked exhausted and was wearing work clothes. He had to be a mechanic of some sort. He stood looking at the Ramien counting his change. I walked past. And that jolt was there. I wanted to cry. I knew I was supposed to give him money.

I walked an isle over grabbed something and realized I forgot something I needed on his isle. Do you know what happened next? I freaked out. "God you know I have been struggling with money lately!" Then "I might offend him. I mean really isn't that rude to assume he's broke" and then "I'll just walk back to the other side of the store and grab a couple of things I need." I did. And when I came back I looked and there he was looking stressed, recounting his change looking at the Ramien noodles. He was looking at his cart- 2 cans of beans, 2 containers of Ramien. I mean honestly, he had to have been there recounting for about 15 minutes as I stalled.

I was scared. Not of him, but of the situation. I had no idea what could happen.
I reached in my purse, grabbed 25 bucks and walked towards him. I said "I hope you won't be offended by what I'm about to do. But please know, I've had to do this same thing you're doing. Please get yourself some food. Bless you." He looked at me, looked down at the cash I laid on the cart. He looked simultaneously embarrassed and relieved. And then he started to cry.

I'm a cryer but I try to be tough so he said thank you and I bolted crying through the veggies towards the front of the store. I wish I had more money. I wish we didn't live in a world where this sort of thing happens. But here's what I know, I had told God I wanted to be used by Him, out of serendipity I hadn't gotten paid till today, because I've struggled I understand this man's need and my eyes were the ones who were directed to this man in this moment out of many others in the store. I have no idea his life story and I don't need to. God wanted him to have food and hope. What an honor that He used me to do it!

I hesitated posting this mostly because I didn't want it to be "Oh April you're so nice" post. I want it to move people. I want more people to say "Hey, use me like that!" The truth is, it may not be money for you, it may be a kind word, or a ride, or helping someone. The book that provoked me posed the question "Have you ever felt so strongly you were supposed to help someone, give someone something, say something kind and didn't do it?" UGH. Yes.

But what if we DID?

No discussion: Coming out day and the straight girl

2011-10-09T20:18:00.000-07:00

I was recently told that if someone looked at my twitter account they would think that I was gay. They said the people and organizations I followed insinuate it.

I don't care.

My twitter is a random hodge-podge of my interests which include fitness, nutrition, news, celebrity gossip, inspiration, and yes- gay rights. No I am not gay. But I am a proud friend and family member. Some of the biggest most important impacts in my life have been from the LGBT community.

My mom giggles about how when I was a very young only child I created four imaginary friends to play with. One of them was a boy named Christy who dressed in girl's clothing. I'd often draw pictures of my friends and my Mom would say "Christy is a boy. Why is he wearing that?" my response was "Because he wants to!" No more discussion! I have no idea where this came from because at that point in time I didn't know anyone who did this. I didn't have any personal interest in gender bending, but one of my very best (though imaginary) friends did. So what?!

A year later my first real playmate moved in next door. He was a beautiful little boy with Carmel colored skin and huge green eyes. He loved to play in my sandbox creating fancy imaginary meals, nurtured my dolls better than me, played dress up and often wanted to talk about our feelings. We were 4 and extremely normal innocent children, sexuality of course was never ever a topic. He came out many years later. I love him. He often reminds me, "You were my 'hag' first and don't you forget it!"

I came from a broken home, as did the boy I played with and several other houses on my street. The marriages in my neighborhood consisted of a cheating wife, domestic violence, and a couple that rarely spoke to each other. But further up the street where our bus stop was, two men lived together. One of the men would always let us stand on their porch to keep warm, they would offer us hot cocoa and with genuine interest, ask us about our classes and how school was. The two men discussed their day, communicated lovingly and seemed incredibly supportive of each other. I didn't know then that gay marriage wasn't legal. And while we never actually even spoke of them being gay I assumed they were married. It was the first time in my life that I ever thought marriage could be a good thing.

In seventh grade, a friend told me he liked being my friend but that he had to tell me something that may make me not want to be friends with him any more: He liked other boys. I went home and told the wisest person I knew- my Gram. It never occurred to me that I shouldn't be friends with someone because of this so it made me wonder. I asked her what to do. She asked me "Is he a good friend? Do you like the way he makes you feel when you spend time together?" "YES!" I answered. "Then there is nothing to be discussed. This is why you pick friends. I don't ever want to hear differently!"

Years later- other LGTB friends, family members, great mentors and teachers would come into my life and my Gram's advice remained. I loved them, I loved our friendship and there was no discussion needed.

I sadly know I live in a world where many think this is wrong, where people hate because of this love, where religions (small parts of my own denomination) shun. And it is so heart breaking for me. I fight for gay rights simply because there is no discussion.

October 11th is National Coming Out Day. I was reminded of this by twitter! HA! And I pray this would be a time of celebration and acceptance. I pray that the generation being raised would hear the same advice my Gram told me. I pray for a more open world.

Impermanence

2011-10-07T17:42:00.000-07:00

Is is odd to say that every so often the thought of death comes along. Not in any weird morbid kind of way but in the way that I am aware of my mortality- that my days are numbered and I don't actually know what the number is.

You see things like Steve Jobs' death and everyone starts talking about it. Suddenly we're all reminded of how short life is. Suddenly we are united in a process of adjustment that one of us isn't here any more. We see pictures of people going to Mac stores with flowers and notes and read pretty much everywhere about the impact this one man made on the world.

Yes Steve Jobs was special, but we ALL make impact on the world. Some of the smallest things change the biggest ones. A small ripple effect can set someone in motion. Words, actions, advice, decisions... wow, we are all pretty powerful.

Today on the way to the store I drove past a homemade memorial. It had flowers (now dead), stuffed animals matted down by the rain, written letters unreadable. I mean no disrespect at all, I know full well these are people's feelings and healing/grieving processes. But I started thinking what I hoped would happen if I ever died in some big tragic way or had left a mark that would evoke such mourning. I would want none of this.

I would want my friends and family to be vibrant. If they must gather in a space, then pray prayers for themselves and each other's hopes and dreams. If they had to cry then make it beautifully dramatic and end it with a great big belly laugh at something silly we had done together. I would want their freedom, not sitting back wondering how they could have squeezed more time out of the days we had, but treasure the ones we did.

I know this isn't easy. When I lost my Gram several years ago I sunk into deep depression for a while. I needed it for my own heart. But all the same, I'd still want to know those I loved most were moving on.

Nothing Gold Can Stay
by Robert Frost

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay

Emotional Calendar

2011-09-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

Wow September has kicked my butt! I have found myself emotional, sensitive, easily agitated, stressed, sad... I'm usually a happy go lucky kind of girl too! I can put a positive spin on the worst situations but I really struggled with it this month. I think it's worse when you know you are a mess and can't get out of it or figure out why you are!

Granted life has changed a bit this month, summer was hectic and I was busy serving the needs of a mass of others whom I adore. I didn't rest and in an instant, it seemed over. I had planned on stepping into business with a partner starting this month but that partnership changed and I found myself unable to move forward as I had visioned. I can look at it all now and go- yeah it was all perfect. Everything worked together as it needed to, but the stress of the unknown can give you a coronary in the process!

I also started looking at the Genesis Process again. I use the principles with my personal training and life coaching clients. Heck, I use it every day in my life! But I wanted to give it a 4th go round. Perhaps I am just a healing junkie but clearly there are still areas that need some TLC. It's funny because when I first started, I was looking at my food addictions, then moved into my self esteem and now I am currently working on my need for safety/control. Best part about the healing process? You actually have to experience the issues. Oh great! Anyway, add that to the September pile and you have a very neurotic April in your midst.

I looked through my old blogs and some old journals just in the month of September from the last 5 years and do you know what I found? I do this every year. Ugh.

Oh September!

What is September to me? Change, fall, starting new journeys, ending of the easier of summer days, school, learning, schedules, etc. Honestly I love these things! I am a goal oriented person. I LOVE seeing dreams and visions becoming reality. And if I set out to do one, I'm either succeeding or going down swinging. In spite of that, I've never been one who transitions well into them. No matter how excited I am about something new, I am generally a little bit cranky about the discomfort of actually adjusting to it. Add this to the issue I mentioned previously I am exploring in Genesis- my need for safety and control and here we have the usual September Syndrome.

While at the library this week I noticed a book on display that seemed to have bright lights, angels singing and a huge arrow above it--"The Emotional Calendar" by John R. Sharp. In it he talks about the ways the climate, milestones, memories, light all in the changing seasons effects our mood. I found it particularly fascinating that he pointed out we are naturally made to respond to the changes of nature and now we live in spaces that are climate/light/environmentally controlled yet we still respond. I mean think about it, our houses, cars, office spaces, recreational places all are controlled for our comfort and yet we cannot control the change of seasons, weather, light and darkness. Yet because we live this way we often forget that we are still responding. Often it is the memories made associated with these seasons that are the triggers.

I always feel like real change can happen once we are aware of what is happening. And now I am aware. This sadly doesn't mean that it won't be a struggle for me in the future, but now that I have the understanding that this truly is the season for crazy aprilness, I can be more proactive and maybe even love myself a little bit more during this time. Once I start to unpack some of the control things I hold so tight, I'm thinking September can become a little less dreaded!

"And you would accept the seasons of your heart just as you have always accepted that seasons pass over your fields and you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief." -Kahlil Gibran

staying in the moment.

2011-09-21T05:43:00.000-07:00

It was one of those days yesterday- you know the ones. I can't outright complain because a majority of it was good but there were moments that were not so great.

I had personal training early in the morning and the simplest things were too hard for me. I sent myself into a spiral of internal negative self talk which in turn translated to bad behavior to my trainer. I questioned my abilities as a trainer myself if I couldn't get those things right. I had some weird sinus pressure behind my eye and I was sure it would pop it out of my head. I could not figure out money or my business plan and began to fret if I was doing the wrong thing altogether. I got frustrated trying to help my Mom figure out her medication dosage. I keep forgetting to schedule a day off working in my week and am tired. The list goes on and on.

Now I KNOW, this isn't life altering stuff here. I could have had way worse things like heartbreak, natural disaster, severe illness but all those little things built up anyway.

I don't talk about faith all that often on here, not because faith isn't a part of my life, but actually because I think it is so much a part of mine that it's wrapped up into my actions and words. I drove praying and crying. "I don't know how to do this! I suck! I don't know how to be a grown up. I don't know how to be a good trainer. I don't know how to be a good Christian. I don't know how to be a good friend. I don't know how to manage my relationships, I don't know how to do anything!!!" tears. And then this small comfort. "April, no one does. There is grace." sigh. That moment I relaxed.

I thought about this for a while. It's true. Even the "experts" aren't. Doctors, forecasters, teachers, trainers, parents... they're making "educated guesses" It's like this life is one great big science experiment. Sure there are people along the way to help us, but in reality they only can guide us based on what they found to be true FOR THEM. The best thing we can do? Follow our heart's guidance and be open to being wrong, to learning, to not knowing, to serendipity.

I think the most blatant part of my emotional release yesterday was the moment of really feeling and staying in that feeling. I sometimes get crap for being "too emotional". Those who know me well know my feelings run deep: happiness bursts on my face, amusement explodes in a loud belly laugh, frustration and anger are hard to hide, you pretty much always know where I stand on things... etc, etc. But there were times when those emotions got stuffed. When I couldn't handle a day like yesterday and I would just eat to numb it. Clearly there was a lot of stuffing to get me to over 300 pounds.

When you stop doing that, it offers a whole new look at life that isn't always easy. Especially when a majority of the world around you is doing something to numb out. Eat, drink, smoke, avoid, judge, bully, shut down... Anything from being in the moment and having to feel it. I challenge my training and life coaching clients to stay in the moment, just for a little longer and see what happens. It is by far the most challenging thing I ask of them. And the most healing.

Once you stand looking face to face with the thing that terrifies you most, it starts to lose it's power. Looking eye to eye with it you see it for what it really is. That's not to say it's easy, but it's the only way to ever really get out of the emotional headlock. Everything else just is a band aid.

When I first started doing this, a moment more than what was comfortable seemed like an eternity and often I reverted back to the numbing out. But each time I spent a little bit longer in the feeling and it got a little easier because actually allowing myself to feel became "normal"

I realize how fortunate I am to have stayed in the crappy car crying moment yesterday because it's over now. I had release. Sure most of those struggles didn't get resolved per se, I still can't do some of the things my trainer asked of me. I still don't have enough money. I still question myself. But I let rational thought have a say in the situation as well and you know what, I'm going to be just fine.

My name is April and I am impatient to change.

2011-09-07T20:11:00.000-07:00

It's funny how if you keep your senses open, life is always interacting with you. I try to keep engaged but sometimes I forget.

This past weekend I needed a book for my flight to Denver. I couldn't decide so I closed my eyes and picked. "The Pilgrimage" by Paulo Coelho was in my hands when I opened them. I had no idea it was his memoir of his own spiritual journey and the journey that inspired his most loved book "The Alchemist".

It's a beautiful story. I view this man as such a wise soul and every one of his books I have read has held a nugget of an answer or a "Hey! I'm not alone!" for my little journey too. In reading this I find him fumbling along, struggling, trying hard and yet missing the point, outshining his own potential accidentally, not able to receive the praise, wanting to hurry along and then when the time is right- not wanting to move forward. I sighed loudly on the plane before I even realized it. I am not alone. This is me too and the timing of reading it is creepy.

In my own life I find myself AGAIN at a transition point. Only partly employed and wanting to fully break into the personal training world, yet not completely able to get there in spite of my deep desire. I would like to blame money and time and place on it but there is this innate feeling that it's just me waiting... on the stars to align? Maybe. Because there is something significant in my own heart journey to this destination? Absolutely.

Today I grumbled selfishly about this. Yes I had paid the bills for the month, negotiated, gotten several blessings and Personal Assistant small jobs... but my training client roster isn't full and I am not living the dream job I so desire. I forget the beauty of this time right now. How many people can say their needs are met for the month already when they are not working full time? How many people have mastered living on a little and not spending more than they have? How many people can say they are happy and aren't tied to a job they hate? How many people get to dream and plan for what they love? I shouldn't have grumbled. I should have been savoring the sunshine and the time with my friend and the soreness of my legs from being able to have my trainer.

Today Paulo's blog entry is called "Impatient to Change". In it he wrote about how it took him 40 years to become a writer and about his 1987 book The Pilgrimage inspiring that (gasp!). Mostly he spoke about his own impatience to just get there already instead of the learning and growing in between.

Yes I see the theme here. Yes I'm stopping my grumbling. Yes I'm sitting back and enjoying the ride. I'm growing patience yet again. God help me.

From abandonment to trust (and all the quirks in between!)

2011-08-30T16:52:00.001-07:00

So after a summer of my trainerman being gone, he returned. Thank goodness because I knew I needed to resume the place we left off. Having dealt with self esteem and various emotional hotspots (including my hips) I was ready to work hard. But not before one big freak out.

I am not proud of this story. But I feel like me putting myself out there may show someone somewhere that they are not alone and can give inspiration that healing is actually possible. Those of you who know me well know I was a child born of shame. In many cases unwanted and abandoned. Such a sensitive little thing I now realize how much I personalized it all, soaked it in and made it a part of myself before anyone could teach me otherwise. I had a horrifying sense of being left: knowing my father didn't want me, my mother was emotionally absent and hearing the phrases "I wish you were never born" enough to believe it. I remember my Gram would leave me sleeping at home while she took my Mom to work long before a child should be left. The car starting would wake me and in terror I would stand at the window barely breathing and watch the entire time petrified that she would never come back.

Life happens and coping habits form. Quickly I became a child that was resillient. Whatever happened to me I would take it deep into myself, feel it and then keep going. I barely reacted to hurt. I learned how to survive and be strong. I'm talking literally taking on the physical stance of heels planted, fists clenched. I was an unmoveable fat little kid and that stayed with me even now as I attempt to learn to let go of my physical body.

My relationships have been interesting. I love people, love attachments and long for them. But I tend to come on too strong and love too much. I don't actually expect much from the other person but the intensity of my affection is often too much for another. I'm not a weird stalker type, I promise! I think I just have a lot of love to give, am fiercly loyal and once I've decided I like you- it's unmoveable. However, in the past I've been a real pain. Mostly when people become too valuable for me to lose. When I realized my attachment had become one that was no longer in my control of a nice little box when I could predict the outcome, I started to act out. I tested and if there was any indication of being left I would either leave first or act so badly the other person just gave up. It was mostly subconscious but there was a part of me that knew it was effed up.

Mind you I have spent years and many many therapeutic hours on these things. My most recent Genesis Process of 9 months was clearly the most healing of all of them. It taught me to not allow my strong emotions to be in control of me, but also not to shun them. It taught me to face the fears I had head on and disarm them. It taught me the good parts of that resilliency I developed as a neglected abandoned little girl. It also taught me to stop hiding myself and my emotions under a fog of food and weight. Hence the last three years of my life.

Enter back into the story my amazing trainer Meshi. He is in fact my most treasured relationship. He isn't my best friend, he is my trainer. I don't think our relationship is unbalanced though I confess I do think the sun sometimes revolves around him but truly, it's a good thing. Meshi is a gift to me. Mostly because as a male it's miraculous that he has gained my trust. And because in all my brokenness he has patiently stuck with me. Sometimes I am in awe of that. In my first parts of training I literally did take the childish stance with him. I would be obstinate and hard to work with. Most of the time I didn't realize it, or I would, but felt out of control to stop myself. I wanted to but I couldn't. Looking back now I simultaneously wanted him to just leave me but wanted so badly to let him in. I wanted him to be someone I could deeply trust.

Fast forward though breaking through the brat, to facing fears, to horrible self esteem battles to more obstinance. I have had a few emotional outbursts. And a lot in the car afterwards. And still this man's eyes express kindness and patience and safety. I'm often confounded by this. And this is why I love him so and why everything I become from those moments forth I will be grateful to him for. Because unknowingly (well maybe sometimes knowingly) he was/is an agent of great healing.

So back to the beginning of this blog. What happened? Meshi returned from his summer away in Europe, texts me to meet for coffee. What happened? Total freak out. I am suddenly sure that he wants to tell me that he is moving on and no longer wants to work with me. Mind you this is not provoked by anything and it is not at all unusual for us to meet up to talk- especially since I did sub all his training clients and fitness classes. But rational thought often escapes me during these moments. I just freak out.

Clearly the end of the story is that Meshi and I met for coffee and we caught up. My heart soared for him as I heard about his summer and I got to share the places I grew while he was away and the things I did.

In the embarrassment of my personal hysteria of this story, I have to be happy for the places that I have healed. It may not seem like it from my irrational reaction but in the past it may have looked more like me acting out, binging on food, being wretched to him, or totally just running away from the entire situation.

There is a lot of victory in this story. I have allowed someone to be important to me. I have allowed that person to be wildly uncontrolled and even in that have allowed myself to trust him more than any other human being. The truth is that someday he may not fill the role he does in my life now and I am willing to not squander the time he does now for fear of that. It gives me hope for the future. It gives me inspiration for others I know go through this hellish process.

The randomness in my head today.

2011-08-24T15:15:00.000-07:00

This past week I have been 100% Putter the dog's nanny. He is incredibly spoiled and I realize how even though he isn't mine that I could quickly become one of "those people" who talks endlessly about their dog and has "dog is my co-pilot" on their car kind of stuff. Putter is a good addition to my life. He seems to truly like me whether I am grumpy or not, wants to be near me even if I am gross or feeling not too pretty. I can see why people would love this pet owner thing. I find him to have a world of personality and I enjoy watching it unfold as we go for walks and I see how he reacts to things and people around him. He helps me to remember to be mindful on my own in my own experiences.

(Putter is so CUTE!)

While Holden and Company are gone this week I had to go to the school to register him for classes. I have never done such a thing before. The line was long out the door and I realized quickly that I was not dressed like the other moms or really act like them. I mean heck, I am personal trainer, assistant and dog nanny. I carry much less life stress and responsibility. I felt myself closing off and judging- then quickly realized it was my own defense mechanism because I felt like they could read all of that in me. Like I was the fraud in line. Not a real mom. Not a real grown up.

True to form it was like a pure moods commercial. As I stood there I started doing the math and realized I actually was old enough to really have a child in middle school. Then I realized my mom was my age when I was in middle school. So I had to text her and tell her we were old. (She appreciated this)It was depressing to realize I'm an adult.

(not very mature...)

In boredom I started thinking about my newest obsession- Glee. I'm absolutely in love with Will Shuester. So i started looking around at all the teachers to see if there was a Mr Shue in the group. I looked for a Sue Sylvester. I could spot the gym teacher a mile away. I saw the cliques. The pretty cheerleader, the dorky poorly dressed kid sitting at the chess club table, the awkward 13 year old boys trying to feel at home in their bodies, the girl with acne and braces and embarrassed to be standing with her mom in line. Wow, I wouldn't go back to junior high for the world. Though the more I interact with adults the more I realize we are just kids in bigger bodies.

Afterwards I picked up my friend Pearl and we headed to our spot at New Seasons for lunch and chatter. She is always super excited and encouraging about my life. But today I was closed off. I feel overwhelmed by the changes about to occur in my life at the end of this month when I have to fully focus on my training biz which is not established. I'm trying not to manifest thoughts of fear or of scarcity. My entire summer has been meeting the needs of the kid, the dog and subbing Meshi's clients. Not much has been left over for me. So we just chattered a bit about life and shared some stories and went to Powells Books where I read teeny bopper magazines in honor of the junior high school I had visited. I felt safe and happy with my friend and in that moment.

In a few hours I will go meet with a friend about some publishing things and if the beginning of the day is any indication of the evening, I'm sure it will be a barrage of emotion and thoughts. It's something I've dreamed of. Writing escapes me no matter how hard I try to keep it inside.

One of the things Pearl and I were talking about today was emotion. How so many people have learned to stuff theirs away and I've always been so vocal about mine. I have been told "You can't be like that. You cannot just tell everyone exactly what you feel all the time" And other people are told "You can't close off like that. You have to show your emotions or they will eat you alive." Life can be confusing especially when you're talking about that kind of balance of something so vulnerable to us. We have to just be true to ourselves and let the chips fall where they may (easier said than done, I know. What will happen next? Who knows! What emotion will I have next? Could be one of many! I'm not nuts I'm just in tune. So tune in and I'll keep ya posted! HA!

Choosing: A nutrition saga

2011-08-17T18:36:00.000-07:00

In the process of my usual routines and influences being changed for the month, I have had the opportunity to explore other areas of health and fitness. It's exciting for me. I am a total nerd in these areas and I am so excited to see how other people are successful.

Let me back up to say there are a few very strong beliefs that are the foundation that I have built my journey to health/happiness on and the podium that I stand on as I help others do the same. They are: 1. Everyone is different and there is no one answer to exercise or nutrition- you must search it out uniquely on your own. 2. Exercise is JOY to me and I can help other people find theirs. 3. Do not try to find a radical solution before all simple options have been explored. 4. I am in control of myself, food is not in control of me. 5. I do not feel it is good for ME (and most others) to cut food groups. 6. I am not super skinny or perfect. I think this makes me real and relatable and I love that about myself.

That said, I would like to tell you what happened next. I came face to face with a woman I revere highly (and she deserves this respect) with a fantastic body who had lost considerable weight and has, like a talented artist, formed her body into living poetry. She is wise and compassionate and a damn good trainer. She has found her niche and does her job well. I sat with her and listened to her talk about her personal nutrition and in a heartbeat I was on that wagon.

Now I should tell you this. I had not lost weight for a while. My body had changed in it's shape a bit but I was not happy with the amount of work I was putting out verses the results. However I will also tell you that processed food had entered into my world big time, that I hadn't been drinking enough water nor getting enough sleep. Oh hell if we're in true confessions then dessert and pizza had certainly become a good friend of mine. I hadn't gained. But I hadn't lost. (It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why. The culprit can be found at the dessert area of Whole Foods. Ask for Carol's Chocolate Peanut Butter Chunk cookie and she'll be glad to help you out) I will also add to the credit of my beloved trainer Meshi that I am terribly impatient and hard on myself therefore propelling me often into dramatic actions I later learn from and he sits patiently listening to.

Meanwhile I had radically tossed out the processed food, grains, yogurt, milk and vowed to a diet of fruits, veggies and a small amount of lean meat. No beloved Peanut Butter either. I was to not count calories and to eat when hungry- veggies mostly. Have I mentioned to you that I cycle like a mad woman? That I run? That I do TRX and weights and sometimes Zumba? Did I mention to you that I burn thousands of calories a day? Did I also mention to you that I don't do this out of some sort of self punishment or some sort of "Oh crap I have to get to the gym or I'll be fat again." Or a "I ate all that now I have to go work it off." I actually LOVE working out. I get this huge smile of absolute pleasure when I am moving. It's like this joy of knowing I am doing what I was MADE to do.

I was hungry. Oh god, I was so hungry I could have eaten people and things. My attitude was so bad I couldn't stand to be in my own presence. I kept eating my veggies. I literally would eat and then within 30 mins I'd be hungry again. And I'm talking stomach growling loud feeling light headed sort of hungry. All I could think about was food. What I had had, when I was getting more. And secretly thinking of the calories- did I have enough? not enough? It was all consuming. I tried planning ahead but still with all my food in place I was still being dictated to by the constant growl and the thought of preventing it or answering to it.

In nine months of INTENSE therapy and 3 years of this continual process of losing and shaping and learning, I had become a free woman. YES I struggle with food- mostly around bad emotional times. I am a binger and I have an understanding that this will always be something that taps me on my shoulder when I am at my weakest... But honestly for the most part a whole heckofalot of healing has happened. I am proactive about food, mindful of it, but it is a night and day difference the way food and I interact now. A week into this plan I was back to the thought food controlled me.

And then I just snapped. Hysterical tears. I fretted. Was I giving up too soon? Was I just not strong enough? Was I giving up just before the breakthrough? There was no doubt that this woman I revere so highly and other fitness professions who are extremely fit and successful also abide by these nutrition guidelines. However, it was clear to me I couldn't eat this way and live the life I live. It was confirmed- "No you can't. But you should find the areas of fitness you excel in and eat for that. Work out less, it is detrimental for you in the long run to build your body." Work out less? Give up cycle and running? Two things that literally make me want to burst with joy? So I can have a magazine perfect body eating food that always has me constantly acknowledging it's presence.

I sat in tears for a long time searching my heart. What would that be any different than the life I had before when I was imprisoned by my weight? Yes I'd be healthier in my body. But my Aprily soul would take a turn for the worst. Could I be healthy the way I had been going about the last 3 years? YES. My physical health had increased considerably and continued to per my doctor- every time I came in something had improved. And my annoying happiness and positivity level was off the charts.

I choose imperfectly perfectly me.

I hesitated putting this out here fearing it would be taken the wrong way. I am not saying I ran back to a life of gluttony. I did cut those processed foods out and have gotten myself back to a mindful place of getting my fruits and veggies in. I am more mindful of my water and my sleep. But I also have my grains and my dairy. And my peanut butter. AND I know when I can handle it I can have the "fun foods" like the dessert and the pizza on occasion. (yes I CAN handle it)

Is the diet that this awesome fitness woman is on bad? No!!! It works for her! She is strong and healthy and I believe she is happy eating this way. And as I stated before there are many who adhere to the same nutrition plan successfully. And principle #1 of my own foundation reminds me every one is different. Perhaps with some tweaking I could have become more adapted to it. But I honestly feel I would not have felt happy with it. And in the long run for my personality, it would have been a problem.

It sure would be nice to have that fitness model body. But you know what? This one I have is pretty darned cool. It can cycle for miles. It can run (not marathons but it has it's fun slow pace) It can dance and lift heavy things. I have extra skin and some fat still. Which I choose to think makes me soft and womanlike too. And there is a little chub to remind me of who I was and where I'm going. I'm not done yet. And I'm glad.

This was a deep learning lesson for me. One that hit home very hard and for more reasons that I will most likely unpack here later. While it was very emotionally hard, I feel excited that it will help me as a trainer and life coach too. So here's to another chapter in the journey. Be well dear friends.

Hips don't lie

2011-08-02T20:27:00.000-07:00

Nothing is ever about nothing.

I know this. I'm learning it even moreso. It's not in my life. It's not in yours. It's not in the people you love the most. It's not in the people whom you like the least. Everything is interconnected and it is our healing pleasure to find those discoveries and be well with them.

I've been working on my hips in training for a while. They are weak and have limited range of motion. In order to get to the athletic places I want to be, I need to strengthen them. They are also connected to my posture which I've talked about before- I slouch and stick out my belly making myself look heavier than I am. I can do crazy fierce exercise and simple hip movements can make me cry in horrible pain and frustration- shutting down physically and emotionally. Trainerman patiently and in stern loving pushes me forward.

I came to the place of finally wanting to face the fact that my body is connected to my memories. That my hips not working well may have something to do with some emotional things inside. And really, if I am as desperate to get them stronger, why not dig in and see what could be worked out?

I wasn't prepared for this part of the journey. Wasn't prepared for the realization that my hips represent so many things to my little heart. Physical trauma, abuse, neglect actually directly related to this area of my body. Then at a young age to stubbornly stand up saying "No, I am resilient. It will not affect me" and carry that my whole life. I stood in a place of not wanting to budge from that holding it all into the main place that physically is designed to make you move. Thinking I had protected myself from all those broken places, I realize now that though at the time this was the best I could do, I have not so much protected myself as allowed these to remain with me and now impair my movement forward.

Sigh, this isn't unlike so many other things we all do. I did it with food and relationships. It's just another layer. And it sucks to have to peel it back, look at it, let the air get to it, let it scab over, be ugly and then heal. It may leave a scar even. But the scar isn't the same as a wound. And this is what I have to remember.

The hard part is being in the place of realization. Of remembering the bad things and not letting them eat me alive. Of understanding that I can be resilient by facing those things instead of running from them or stubbornly turning away. Not falling into any victim mentality, understanding that I can look at it, mourn for it, heal from it, and move on. I have a goal. I WANT to be well. I WANT to get these hips in the right order. So I will in just the right time with just the right kindness and persistence as the exercises I'm given to master in training with Meshi. I'll be as bold as (if not bolder than) the girl who decided she'd protect herself. Just in a much healthier and whole way.

Sigh. Holden grows up...

2011-07-28T21:04:00.000-07:00

Most of you who know me well know I've been working with Holden for years. We met when I was working part time at an after school program. He was adorable and creative and I saw a lot of myself in him. I pretty much knew if that creativity could be channelled positively he'd be a superstar and if not, he'd be in trouble. Hence the bond that I still share with him.

I never wanted kids. ever. ever. everrrrrrr!!!! But when I started spending my days as Holden's nanny I started to understand what people meant when they said when they had a kid there was a new kind of love that transcended anything they had known. I felt proud of him. Responsible in a weighty way for his well being. I wanted to partner with his amazing parents to be consistant and involved in his life. I dreamt dreams about what his future would become. I became somewhat easily manipulated by his charm. I enjoy everything about him. He is my most favorite kid. And I remind him of it often.

He's 13 now. My heart breaks a little typing that last sentence. There are moments when I see a glimpse of little boy in there and it makes me nostalgic to the point of tears. I am proud of who he is growing into, don't get me wrong but I suppose like every parent, good nanny, invested adult there is a part of you that just wants to keep them young and carefree forever.

I came across a few pictures tonight of Holden and I and shook my head. My how I've shrunk and he's grown! The kid who has my heart...

2008

2009

2010

2011 (he's taller than me!!! bah!)

Motivation

2011-07-26T20:43:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I took two 13 year old boys on a small road trip to a hip-hop concert near Seattle. That adventure was amazing. But I'm not going to talk about the concert right now.

What I am going to share with you was what transpired on the road trip. The boys sat in the back and plugged in their beats to the iphone and were quiet, leaving me with 3 hours of driving each way solo.

I am no stranger to the road. When I lived in the middle I often took long random road trips. It was easier before the west coast and I had friends that in the impulse of a moment would hop in the car. As I drove I started to recall a lot of those trips and how I don't take many any more. And I started to recall a very common theme in my heart then. Dissatisfaction. I was constantly dreaming about other places, other people, other jobs, other new roads. I remember some people telling me that some day I would grow out of that nonsense. Quite frankly they missed the point. The journey is in the wandering.

Without the wandering I wouldn't have landed in Portland. I wouldn't have wandered through the dissatisfaction to find what I now find very satisfying. People can pick all they want but there is something to be said for those who move through their dissatisfaction not taking stagnancy in it but continue searching to find their true happiness. They may say "It could take a life time!!" Yep, it sure could. But there will be no regrets along the way.

The most interesting part of this road trip was realizing that not only am I happy in place, in my heart, and now in my body- that a lot of what drove me before was that dissatisfaction that doesn't exist now. Now what? I lost my breath in that moment. It felt like the world stood still. I had to find a new place of motivation in me. Not dissatisfaction but of love. That may have been the most challenging thing. It seems easy to be propelled by the negative. How do you keep moving forward when you're quite wonderfully satisfied?

I realized it was a paradigm change. It was a difference in the way I think of motivation. In the way I think of moving forward. In the way I think of what happiness can look like. I don't have to wait for something to be wrong to move forward. I don't have to leave to move forward. I don't have to change in drastic ways. Moving forward doesn't have to be moving. Oh there is so much in this. I look forward to sitting in this one for quite some time.

bizarre and obsessive? If it makes me great, why not!

2011-07-12T18:30:00.000-07:00

Three years have now passed on my weight loss journey. July 7 marked the date. Someone anonymously comment on my last blog that I was bizarre and obsessive. I deleted it but now that I think about it, I should have left it up. They didn't even sign their name. But I am the one who leaves my life out here open to complete strangers and dearest friends to take from as they please.

I suppose from the outside in, my thoughts on weight could seem that way. But that person probably has never met me. They have no idea the weight I carried on my body or in my heart. NO idea the broken ways I walked out life and how extremely opposite I am now. No idea that this whole journey left as open reading for the taking is about reclaiming my beauty inside and out. They have no idea the fight that I took on getting healthy and they have no idea the deep deep passion I have for helping other people in that fight. So let them judge, think what they want and say all sorts of rude things. We all have obsessions. I'm glad mine is something that is good.

That being said I completed my first "official" month as a trainer in June. I cannot tell you how much I love it. I mean I have to stifle my joy in front of my clients for fear of terrifying them. When they go past the place they thought they couldn't, I want to burst with pride for them. Truly there is NOTHING like seeing someone succeed. As I'm picking up new clients and teaching circuit training groups, I am continuously reminded this is a holistic journey. And so much memory and emotion is wrapped up in this process. I am so grateful for this long and sometimes "bizarre and obsessive" place I come from. It is what makes me great. Not because I am so fit or knowledgeable, but because I know the path and I will gladly take a hand and walk it again.

June: when cardio turned to rest

2011-07-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

So June was supposed to be my month! Meshi left on the 9th. I had wanted a sub trainer and he challenged me to be my own. I took that challenge, sat down and plotted out the best workout plan ever. It was an extremely challenging cardio focused plan. I had just finished up my power and resistance program and I thought I would hone in on my new love of running and burn some serious fat. June 9th I went to the gym to start my program. 2 miles into my run my body was exhausted. I'm not talking the type where you just need to push yourself, I'm talking about seriously being completely flat out exhausted. I could almost hear my body saying "Look lady, we need a break. And if you don't give us one, we'll give us one." I tweeted this disappointment- after all Thurs are my 3 hour workout days. I came home and laid down hoping it would pass. I fell asleep for about 4 hours and woke up still tired.

That Monday I was still feeling tired but I got up with a plan to cycle 26 miles, run 4 and then do some TRX in the evening. Then I remembered a Zumba class with a teacher I love and I thought I'd add that too. My calves were pretty tight and I thought about rolling them out but decided I'd wait. 33 minutes into the class my muscles were feeling super tight and in a jump I rolled my ankle and sprained it bad enough I had to limp out.

Over the next days I would try to work out, push myself and just when I thought I could move back into my routine, it would ache so bad I thought I'd need to take myself to the ER. I was so frustrated. I mean I already had the loss of my trainer for the month and due to my job's schedule and subbing for him getting my usual 14 hours of working out each week was down the drain.

I cried. I pouted. I got scared. Working out is what I love. Working out is who I am. I'm a trainer damn it! Trainers are physically fit people!!! People who love me were telling me "have patience" and I wanted to punch them in the face. I read things about challenged athletes and a woman who runs marathons with only one leg and the soul surfer doing TRX after she lost an arm. I just had a freakin sprained ankle and then I got the stomach flu!!!

However during this time I had also vowed to love myself. I'd made the decision to. So all the self defeating talk about laziness and the comments about being fat and ugly had no place in my world.

Mind you I also had some emotional things going on. My heart had been smooshed by a dumb boy, my safety net most trusted person was gone, my birthday came along, I was struggling out my future and fearful of the finances about that. I wasn't militant about my eating. I wasn't eating crap but without the workouts I'm used to there were some real adaptations that needed to be made on my calories. Needless to say my body did not shape up the way I strategized it to.

I started training people in Meshi's absence. The very first one said to me "I was worried you were this thin little happy annoying thing. I'm glad to see you aren't. If I didn't know your history I'd think you were just starting to get your body in shape. I can work with you though." Wow. I'm glad I decided to love me because about 2 months ago that would have killed me. I worked her hard though. And the next person and the next person. And his classes too. The students would scowl at me and make jokes that I sat around thinking up ways to torture them but worked harder than I had ever seen them. And I would get in my car afterwards and cry. Because I have never been more happy doing something in my life. The euphoria I got from seeing someone push just a tad outside of what they thought their limits were, was enough to get me high for an entire day.

One night I sat down with a workout book (my favorite reading pastimes!) by a strength training coach I deeply respect named Cosgrove. He works his people so hard in his programs and then gives them 2 weeks off to "rest and make the world a better place." Then it's back to work. Huh. In the last three years, I've not taken 2 weeks off! I've taken time off when I was sick or injured or maybe for a bad day. But to be honest, I'd find ways around it. So maybe I've taken about 3 or 4 days off in a row. I didn't even take that off now with my ankle and my exhaustion and this stomach bug.

This morning I went berry picking with one of my clients and her girlfriend. And afterwards she asked me what I would do the rest of the day and I said "Whatever I want and I don't even think I will go work out." Her eyes were huge. "Wow!" she said "That's good! Rest is good too!" And I realized that as her trainer I needed to show a better balance. I was.

I learned something. A lot of somethings. And for the first time in the middle of these moments I didn't hate on myself. I even bought a couple of new pretty girlie shirts and felt good about myself trying them on even when my biceps and leg muscles were too big for some of the ones I tried.

Don't worry though. Meshi returns on Monday. And the workouts resume to the caliber they once were. But let me be the posterchild for you. When your body says "Stop" realize if you don't listen, it just might make you.

Picking Mt Hood strawberries. My ankle was 100% today. Just in time for trainerman to return and for me to have had much more rest than I'm used to. Contrary to my previous irrational fears propelled by self hatred, I didn't gain 300 pounds and I didn't fall of the weight loss/fitness passion wagon.

Birthday laugh face.

2011-06-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

Two of my most favorite things: laughter (belly laughs, ugly laughs, snort laughs, silent I cannot breathe and may die type laughs) and rich meaningful connected conversation. Luckily for me these things compose much of my day. Of course my birthday celebration would result in not one normal looking photo of me.

Heck yeah, that's peanut butter birthday pie!!!!

Don't even ask...

I have decided.

2011-06-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with Meshi several months ago about my weight loss. He was pepping me up and marveling at our success while making a comparison to some goals in his life. "You just decided to do this and you are.... you did"

My Mother tells horrific strong willed child stories of me that are both embarrassing and amusing. I think it may be best I never have children of my own due to payback. Since I was a wee little April if I decided on something, I did it. My Mother says even now "I know if you decide on something or someone, it's over. There's no arguing with you." My life is a continual process of me deciding on something and then getting it. The process to get to the deciding is grueling but once my minds made up, game's ON.

Fast forward to my continual fight with self love, body acceptance, being incredibly hard on myself. I don't know why I never made the connection of what I needed for success here. I guess I wasn't really ready yet in my heart. One morning I woke up and oddly enough the first sentence out of my mouth was "I have decided" I know that sounds crazy but I am a wild dreamer and some days I wake up and something just pops out. I got up thinking "Hmmm that's weird. I wonder what that was about."

I'd been thinking about how I long deeply to step into new places of self love. I mean I'm a freakin personal trainer. My goal is to help people get healthy and feel their best. Besides I am never as critical about others as I am me. I am a poster child for that statement "If you heard someone talk to others like you talk to yourself, you'd be outraged." How could I be so happy in so many ways and imprisoned by my own self hatred at the time? Weight loss has nothing to do with it. You can hate yourself at 320 and you can hate yourself at 170. I thought there would be magic in the numbers. Turns out it's more than that.

I decided. I really did. At that moment I made an actual effort. No more "I wish I could..." No more "If only..." I decided I'm doing it, damn it. I decided to love myself. I decided to love my body AS IS right now. Yes I will continue my goals and my reshaping but I will love it NOW. I have decided to be proud of the effort it has taken to get here instead of worrying that someone who doesn't know my journey would see me at the gym and think I've only just started. I have decided my fat skin flap can fuck off. (yes I just said that and it was foul but if you knew how I have let it affect me you would understand there is no other option to say it) it will not keep me from being active and happy and jumping around. I know the process of excess skin and I know I will tone it but it will take time. I decided that when Meshi gives me a compliment about my body that I will smile and be proud because when Meshi gives a compliment it is rare and it should be like gold to me.

I've also decided I am enough. The weight of this sentence "I am enough" takes my breath away. I have struggled with this from my very beginning. A girl abandoned by her father, minimal relationship with her mother, poor, with a large capacity to love and a large need for attention, who had continually been hurt by those she was supposed to be able to trust most. I never felt good enough. Even when love and attention were being given I didn't feel worthy enough. And I was always waiting for them to leave anyway. They still leave. But I am enough. I am resilient and strong. And I am enough to not be paralyzed by the fear of risking being left to have the possibility of someone staying. I am enough to be able to care for myself if/when I get hurt.

I've finally been able to do this and I'm noticing a difference. It's made me more confident. I can apply the principles I know from the success I had in my weight. There were mornings (oh heck who am I kidding there are STILL mornings) when I would wake up sit up and think "maybe not today" and then I would think "How bad do you want this?" And I'd get up. It's not all that different now. I still look in the mirror and sometimes not like what I'm seeing but I've decided I love myself so I can love others better, so I make an actual effort to find something I like and reflect on something I accomplished. Like magic... What a miraculous moment... to decide.

Birthday ritual. 35!!!

2011-06-14T10:21:00.001-07:00

Man I keep getting older and this list keeps getting longer. But why am I complaining?! A girl should have at least 35 dreams/goals/hopes tucked away in her heart. So here goes my yearly ritual.

1. Learn to really truly love myself
2. Learn to really truly love my body
3. Start each day with a positive thought about myself and my life
4. Be a fantastic personal trainer/life coach
5. Expand my training base and work with morbidly obese clients.
6. Heal my heart in regards to church/religion
7. Become more financially sound
8. Keep my car and room cleaner
9. Hug more
10. Laugh more
11. Get certified in kettlebells
12. Get to learn face to face from Jillian Michaels or Chris Powell
13. Visit my Mom in Indiana. It has been years... I haven't been able to afford it
14. Teach life changing/goal setting/nutrition planning
15. Advocate for physical fitness treatment to be covered by health insurance
16. Advocate for anti bullying
17. Volunteer to help kids be physically healthy
18. Create a kids summer program to equip them to lose weight
19. Work well with Meshi as my partner
20. Write a book
21. Do a 10k
22. Get a tattoo
23. Get my nose pierced
24. Actually get a wardrobe. I seriously have like 10 things to wear. It's pathetic. again, can't afford it. I've paid bills and whats left goes to training.
25. Meet Mastin Kipp. He inspires me through The Daily Love. I think he'd be fun to know.
26. Be unapologetically me (inside and out)
27. Learn to rest
28. Meditate more
29. Visit my friends in Des Moines. I miss them so very much.
30. Not avoid the crappy stuff I don't enjoy but need to do.
31. Get a cute little dog. Hopefully a pug.
32. Make some local friends who love personal training as much as me. I know like 3. It's kinda lonely. I have friends who love other things but I want more of these passion sharing friends.
33. Never lose my deep joy that comes from watching someone succeed.
34. Be a woman of good character.
35. Rejoice in my victories and accomplishment. I often don't and that's really sad.

Ugly moments on the journey (that lead to treasure hunts)

2011-06-02T10:01:00.001-07:00

On July 7 it will be three years that I have been consistantly eating healthy, losing weight, reshaping my body.

Three years.

That's a long time in the day and age of easy fixes, 30 day diet plans, various surgery options. But the one thing I can say is my old fashioned way of eating right and exercising is that I've never fallen off the wagon. I've had slip ups and mistakes sure, but the wagon is my path of life now. I have no ending point because this is an ongoing part of my life.

After 150 lbs lost, I started a campaign to tone up my body and reshape it. I still have weight to lose- mostly fat and slowly but surely the skin starts to reshape itself. I have a dear friend that has been on this journey for 8 years and just now has the body she wanted. 8 years is a long time but the value, pride and self esteem I see in her is ridiculous. Plus she's a trainer and she understands this process so beautifully- mostly cause she's wrestled it out.

So here I am having added running to my exercise reportiore and averaging about 14 hours of high impact working out a week (I know it's a lot to some but I'm a trainer and being fit is part of the job! Plus it is my passion). Cardio isn't my favorite, weights are. But they go hand in hand so well for success. And you know what is happening? The fat is burning off. And do you know what else is happening? That wonderful/horrible loose skin thing again. You see, there is a process to all of this and the fitter you get, the more the fat and excess skin sags (for a while) And you have to deal with it.

I find myself self conscious. My body is in front of people as I teach. People invested in my journey are at times looking to me for inspiration watching what I do. I'm training people and want to be a good example. And all I can see and feel is this saggy belly and arms. To be blatantly honest I hate it- hate my body. And when those realizations happen, it is heart breaking.

Over the past few weeks this horrible awareness has reared its ugly head. And I can feel it/see it in my workouts. As soon as I feel the sway of the skin or feel the discomfort of the flop I almost shut down. Which of course, logically is the worst thing I could do. And I know this, but I am a woman propelled most strongly by emotional over logic. So a battle begins that makes me feel slightly crazy.

I told Meshi this today. He talked to me quite a bit about it and he basically told me this was an issue that isn't going away and there are choices that I need to make. Meshi is very forthright. I love the honesty that spurts from him and even when I don't enjoy what I'm hearing, it always prompts serious self examination and wonderful growth.

Today I was fighting the tears as I left. I got to the car and lost it. It can be overwhelming when you are fighting a battle against yourself. Especially me, a person who has so much freakin love to give out. Why can't I love my body? I thought to myself what I really wanted from him was love and nurturing. And while that would have been comforting, it wouldn't have led me to the moment I had. When I realized that while nurturing and love was what I wanted from others, the thing I NEEDED more was to find that love and nurturing WITHIN MYSELF.

In me.

How do I do that?

Good grief, I don't know. But there is something to be said for understanding what you're searching for. For understanding the thing that you need most in order to break out of a place you hate living. And when that desire to find it is more powerful than anything else, there is no stopping you from finding it. So this is my treasure hunt. I'll keep you posted on what I find...

Miss Scarlet, I don't know nothin bout birthin no babies!!!!

2011-05-09T08:08:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned how much the thought of shooting out a baby terrifies me? How much being around little babies also sends me heading for the hills? They can't talk. They make weird sounds and smells. I don't like poop or puke very much. I always think I may accidentally break them. Still sometimes things come along that make you rethink.

No I am NOT pregnant thank you very much.

But my beloved friend Patria is. And I'm super excited for her. This baby was a surprise- a good surprise. I can remember a while ago Patria practically in tears giving up on the thought she would ever be a Mom. It had been a desire of hers always. And now I look at this gift smiling cause I get to be the Auntie!

Patria is one of the strongest women I know. I remember when I first met her being starstruck with how much confidence I thought she had. I knew life hadn't been easy, but she got up and did that hard things. She carries qualities I hope to have too- determination, heart, humor, a true happiness when she sees others do well and a whole heck of a lot of hope.

I like the way we communicate with each other because we both are straight up- brutally honest. When I got my Zumba certification and was shaking in my Nikes about teaching I asked her to wish me luck. She stopped looked at me and said "Why? You don't need no luck. You got this." I often still think about that and find strength in it.

So I get to be Patria's birthing coach. The conversation about this was pretty funny. It went something like this. Patria: "Do you want to?" Me: "As long as I don't have to look at your Vagina. I hate those things. They scare me." And then a long amusing conversation followed reconfirming to Patria that I am truly nuts. I'm pretty sure she won't let me wear a whistle and a big trucker hat that says "Coach" on it. Darn it!

Anyway I am so excited to get to be with her to have her baby. I can't wait to meet this little miracle baby and watch this woman who longed for a child so much, grow a true force to be reckoned with as I know this little one will be. I'm glad that my first birthing experience will be with her.

For Momma Hauck. Heh, at least you tried!

2011-04-25T22:14:00.000-07:00

hee hee. This post is for Momma Hauck as Mother's day approaches. I was a bratty child. I literally leapt upon a coat (calico rabbit fur 70s amazingness) hanging on the rack in the store swinging from it screaming "I WANT ITTTTT!"

I regularly stripped down to my underwear and ran for the mud puddles every time it rained. This is why I'll never be able to run for president. Pretty much every neighbor has pictures.

I once swung the neighbor girl into a tree because she stole my doll and refused to get off my slide. It could have been an audition tape for WWF wrestling.

My poor mother spent most days stifling her laughter while trying to coral me back in.

Anyway clearly some things don't change. You still really can't take me anywhere. Since you've not seen me in a while Mom, here's a reminder. I miss you and love you.

falling in love... (with fitness)

2011-04-21T21:28:00.001-07:00

I had stepped into foreign territory. A gym. And not only that but a group cycle class overflowing with spandex and sports bras and people looking eager at 5:30am. My friend had told me it was okay if I couldn't make it through the first class because most people didn't. I decided right away that I would make it. I was breaking down fat walls after all, I had hauled my butt there. I wasn't giving up! I'd die on that bike if necessary.

The man at the front was a beautiful Hispanic man. His name on the board read: Meshi. He looked so focused. And he was fit. I remember seeing the sweat pour off of him, glistening on his biceps. "Dear God, how did I end up here?!" I thought to myself as I settled into the ride and my determination, trying hard not to fret that my ass was so fat that it would block those behind me in class. My bike was set up incorrectly and he got off his to came over to help me. Class had started. I could feel myself blushing and not from exercise. I waited for the moment when his face would register that he was disgusted by how fat I was. It didn't. He helped me, smiled and walked back to the front. I was confounded. I scrutinized this man.

I remember Meshi saying something during that class that would impact me forever:

"Sometimes I wonder why I do this." between sweat and huffs. "And then I remember, it's the little bits of joy. You have to find your little bits of joy."

Those words hit me hard. I wanted joy more than anything. I wanted to be happy. I wanted freedom from the imprisonment of my body and from all the ways I had silenced my heart from actually feeling the life I was living. I knew spiritual joy yes. But I didn't know the actual physical embodiment of it. Was this it?

After class he came over "How'd it go? You did great!" I knew in my soul at that moment he would be my guide to fitness. Long before I took any other classes or hired him as my personal trainer.

I remember deciding to come back. Partially because I wanted to be in the presence of this fit man who actually showed me kindness. Mostly because I felt like maybe I'd get a glimpse again of joy, in my body, for myself.

And it came. In those moments when I seriously thought "I can't make it!" or "I don't know if I'm gonna live through this" only to realize I pushed myself harder than I believed I could. I started to realize more of what I was made of. I started to understand that those moments translated into confidence, self love, endurance of the hard parts of life.

The joy unfurled. In cycling, in another teacher's guidance in strength training, later in circuit class and Zumba. It came in allowing my emotions to be felt not masked by food. Of often working them out in the gym. I continued with my Sherpa- Meshi who unconditionally poured into me through fits and brattiness and disrespect. Who calmly watched me wrestle to the end of myself and coaxed me into loving what was left. The man who rejoiced in my success even when I couldn't. And who now stands beside me allowing me to teach his classes and partner with him in training others.

Those little bits of joy... they're everywhere. Sometimes in a crazy place you never thought would become like home to you. Like a gym.

scars

2011-04-20T12:57:00.000-07:00

There's an old Goo Goo Dolls song that says 'Scars are souvenirs you never lose. The past is never far. Did you lose yourself somewhere out there? Did you get to be a star?"

I love those words. And over the years they have had very distinctly different meanings.

Today I stood looking at my belly in the mirror. We've kicked up the abs lately and I wanted to look at my hard work. No 6 pack yet but there are some defined beverages there. haha.

The light wasn't good and I stood there looking at this amazing (for me) definition and then these stretch marks. They aren't hideous, but they are there. Some of them are light, some deeper more noticeable. I can't say that I hate them. I can't say I'd run around showing them off either.

I traced my finger along some of the deeper ones. I was looking at 30 years of scars. Marks of abandonment, pain, abuse, harsh words, self hatred, being unwanted, inadequacies, loneliness, fear. Evidence of me trying to save myself from the broken parts of life and tracing along them with my finger was like a road map down memory lane. The moment was the cross between a mother, stroking back the hair of a child who needed comfort and a new lover getting to know the shape of their beloved. I did not feel shame. I felt my history.

The thing about scars is, they are whats left over from what has healed.

LOOK AT MY ARMS!

2011-03-24T23:24:00.000-07:00

Okay seriously I am so excited I could pee. I just got a not flattering pic of my face- that was a stellar shot of my arms.

My arms... Oh they've made themselves famous on this blog before, damn it. But I've moved on to loving me way more than I have in the past days. And I am excited.

In all my weight loss I have... skin. And I distinctly remember a training session with Meshi over a year ago talking about this and me saying I would need surgery. He told me if I was willing to be patient I could change them myself. Why does he have to be so smart and right ALL the time?!

Anyway you have to realize that I've lost about 8 inches off my arms (that I know of. I didn't start taking measurements at my heaviest) But Meshi and I keep working at this. We keep getting me stronger.

Look at my armmmmmsssss!!!! yayayayayay!

Maybe you will understand my yays when you see my previous arms...

Shamrock Run 5k! Yay me!

2011-03-14T08:52:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I ran my first 5k!!! Downtown hilly Portland in the chilly rain. I think I may have found a new love thang.

To be honest I don't run. I don't think it's an excuse I just feel like my body isn't designed as much for running. I mean cardio wise I'm good but I feel like I am better equipped for a bike or some serious strength training. But this doesn't stop me from challegning myself a bit! no no!

So I didn't actually train for this. But I figured since I do work out in crazy ways for crazy amounts of time and my trainer says I'm fit, that I should be okay. I was!

Let me tell you the nerves I had showing up were incredible. I was having flashbacks to gym class where I was so fat and unfit I couldn't finish the mile. All I could think of was "Please dear God, don't let me finish last!" I'm glad I ran with a bunch of friends because I may have chickened out just from anxiety.

I didn't finish last!!! Not at all. I made it in 37.44. Not too shabby. My friend Arthur from Biggest Loser challenged me- His time was 47.33 for his 5K and he told me that if I didn't beat that time I'd have to do a brutal last chance style workout of his. I was determined to make that goal! (but also kinda want that workout!)

Anyway I am sore today. I think it's interesting how different exercise affects your body. I mean I ride about 50 miles a week not to mention my regular fitness regime. Yet am sore from a run of a little over 3 miles. Exciting new ways to get fitter and challenge myself!

Winning (aka Failing. For the win)

2011-03-09T02:16:00.001-08:00

When we last left off I had told you about my latest challenge of 4 weeks with me being in control of my eating by being mindful of my bodies needs and responding only then. To rest when I am tried. To care for my basic needs as I should. Let me tell you how that's working out. Not so great.

Tonight I find myself working an overnight shift which tends to jack with my internal (and external) schedule and is especially stressful. Most of the evening I work solo with Acute, Ambulances, Trauma, Pediatrics and Observation. Tonight I found myself eating. And eating. I wasn't hungry. I knew I wasn't hungry. I knew I wanted to escape. And now I sit here with a swollen belly, a horrible sensation of bad food and a little bit of numbness- which is exactly what I was craving. To not have to be here or deal with the stress and the raw human emotion all around me. It sucks to have awareness of your bad habits and coping skills. It sucks to sit stuffing a mediocre cheeseburger in your jaw and not even have something you enjoy.

I think to myself "I am failing" I think "I should quit this stupid challenge." But then I realize I am too stubborn to quit these days and part of gaining control is realizing when you are out of control. I wonder if I have been out of control for a while. This displeases me. I want to run to my safety net, my beloved trainer Meshi and tell him all of this. I want him to tell me this is a bad choice and to stop it. But this isn't at all what Meshi would do. He wouldn't even freak out. He would smile and say that this is good for me. Meanwhile the fear of swelling back over 300 pounds again taps at my shoulder.

I realize I am not immune. I am not safe. I have to work hard to be healthy. I have to work hard to have an average sized figure. This realization flirts with me often but I see it in myself blatantly now and I hate it's reality. I will never arrive. I don't mean this in a defeatist way. I am accepting the facts. Fat cells do not go away, only shrink or grow depending upon what I choose to do to myself. Just because I lose weight does not mean that habits and patterns of 34 years do not suddenly stop. The work and awareness must remain.

My panicked gut reaction is to end this project. To go back to a militant style of eating. But I would rob myself of moments of truly understanding my body and my mind and how I function. Like tonight, as crappy as it is.

Mindful of ME. My 4 week challenge to let my body be my boss

2011-02-28T14:23:00.000-08:00

OOOOOMMMMMMMGGGGGG! I am in day 2 of my latest challenge to myself. I want to quit. This is a good sign I am doing absolutely what I should be doing. Don't worry, I won't quit. I'm so stubborn even with my own goals it's kinda ridiculous.

Here is my 4 week challenge. Eat when I'm hungry and only as much as I need. Know WHY I am eating. Know when I am thirsty and drink. Know when I am tired and rest. And know when I need to use the bathroom and don't hold it. "This is ridiculous!" You say. "What a dumb challenge!" Try it! Because most people probably don't ACTUALLY allow their bodies needs to be known and met.

The biggest challenge is that as a compulsive eater I spent most of my life not feeling hunger because I ate to cope with life. When I started to get healthy I put myself on a schedule. I planned out my regime. I ate every 3-4 hours to boost my metabolism. I ate a certain number of calories in a certain way and tracked them like the federal witness protection agency. It's been almost 3 years. I know the calories, fat, carbs etc. I know the impact certain foods have on workouts and recoveries and pms and emotions. I only buy safe foods that I won't risk a binge. I only buy a weeks worth of food at a time. I know exactly each meal. This isn't a bad thing because it has allowed me to lose half of myself.

I also have never relaxed about food. Ever. As a child it was "Am I going to get my needs met?" then "what will I eat" then the blur came to just constant eating. Into my adult life I am not sure I have many memories that don't involve food- just eating, celebrating, socializing, as gifts, as comfort, in excess. I am not sure until about 2 years ago I even knew what true hunger felt like.

So I challenged myself. I know how to eat healthy. I know how to gage why I am eating. But I've never allowed my body to lead me. Point blank, even at my "healthiest" now- where I am most athletically fit, eat clean and organic, have the lowest cholesterol, blood pressure, risk factors for disease, have successfully completed therapeutic programs- I ABUSE MYSELF. I don't allow myself to rest because I'll feel lazy. If it is not my scheduled eating time or if it isn't something I feel is a safe food I don't eat it. If I have to go to the bathroom but have more "important" things to do, I'll hold it and often times forget till later when I think I may burst. I am a militant slave driver to my most precious and loyalest companion- my body. And I don't want to do that any more.

In reading the book "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth I started to realize my own escape artist tendencies. Don't most of us want out when things get hard, push us past what we believe of our selves and our abilities? As a person who compulsively eats I see that food is one way I escaped myself all the time. I don't want to escape myself. I like me. I don't want to escape life- I have so much beauty, wonderful opportunities and people to experience. So this is me reclaiming my body. It's me adding balance. It's me feeling it all. Even my most basic needs.

Will I go hog wild with my "freedom"? Considering I was craving my structured routine when my stomach growled at an "abnormal" time today and I tried to starve it off before I realized it or that I felt annoyed by all the peeing and drinking, I'd say probably not. Will I continue this after 4 weeks? Probably not in this capacity. I honestly feel I need to have structure especially with my food to be the most efficient in my fitness and weight loss. But I'm sure this mindfulness will incorporate itself in. And who knows. I may be even more successful than I think! It is necessary for me to know me to be my most vibrant. Can't wait to tell you how it goes!

Transformation process: comfortable in my own skin

2011-02-26T14:38:00.000-08:00

There were times in my life when I dreaded/ and avoided parties or social gatherings. Not just cause I didn't want to go or didn't feel truly invited either. There was the whole "I'm so fat what would I even wear?" and the secret awkward moment of just realizing I'd probably be the biggest person there even though no one would say it, we all knew it. Plus in the mind of a heavy person there is often a lot of calculation going on: Will I fit in this seat? Will I fit through that space? If I eat something will people be judging me?

In defense of the people at the party- many probably wouldn't even notice or care. But it's a hurdle I've battled again and again.

Last night I went to a dear friend's Mardi Gras costume party dressed like a Bourbon Street hooker. This included a very short dress, bare body parts and a lot of sass. Many of the people there I didn't know. But the few that I did were from my circuit training class so I felt pretty comfortable showing up. Granted they only ever see me sweaty and in workout clothes and one didn't even recognize me! It was a fun evening and I felt comfortable in my own skin.

Later after the party I chatted with one of my favorite friends who is in the process of losing weight and transforming his body. He asked me "What does it feel like to go out looking and feeling like a million bucks? I can't wait to do that!" I said "Well this is the first time for me and it's pretty amazing! I can't wait for you either!"

It's not so much that I had a perfect body or looked amazing in my outfit, it was that I felt good in me. And for my friend- I think he's already handsome and progressing nicely, but there is a moment- inside us- that's just ours that makes it different. I really can't wait to see his moment either. I could tell him all day he looks great but it's the moment when he comes fact to face with himself that he'll know.

On this transformation journey there is so much to be experienced and many walls to tear down. Each one is a small victory. I hope the same for those of you on similar paths.

face

2011-02-20T14:46:00.001-08:00

Oh this face of mine! It morphs itself every so often. I lose weight, it looks gaunt, it adapts. The skin's elasticity catches up, I get a zit or two. Then it evens out. The skin adapts and tightens. But I keep doing this and over the last 2 1/2 years this face has changed a lot. Sometimes I tell my Mom I am "going through an ugly phase" like kids do. You know when you look back at your yearbooks and see when you were growing and changing and something just looks a little bit awkward? Yes, in weight loss you do that again. I don't mean it in a bashing kinda way. The body does it too. You start to see someone's form but in the meantime it's just kinda... odd.

The face changing can kinda mess me up. I mean we associate so much our face with our identity. And watching it morph can be fascinating and also confusing. I'm not vain but sometimes along this journey I've had to just stand and look at myself to be reaccustomed to me. My dysmorphia has gotten way better (before I had problems being able to identify myself in reality because my image of myself was still that of an over 300lb woman)

This is kinda fun though. I just keep trying to trust the process and love who is inside that shines out. I have to say I like whats happening to this face. I like even more whats happening to this heart.

Goals, strength, transformation

2011-02-18T13:29:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time at over 3oo pounds I set goals for myself. They were far off ones. At the time I could hardly breathe when I moved. So I started by walking short distances for my workouts and did my best to avoid fast food temptations. I struggled starting to eat every 3-4 hours instead of my usual carb heavy lunch and big dinner. I looked at the statistics about healthy weight for my height and picked that number. It seemed so far away. Heck, I never even thought I'd be under 200 pounds.

By Sept 2009 I had hit that goal. But I wasn't satisfied. So I grabbed my trainer and set some new goals. I wanted to keep losing, tone, get athletic and muscular. He sat me down and explained those all required different regimes and that we'd need to focus on what was most important to me. When it came down to it all I just loved exercise so I chose to become more athletic and muscular. Hmmm. Muscle gain generally equals weight gain. My inches were shrinking in some areas, my biceps and thighs were gaining. Yet again clothes were fitting oddly and I had to come face to face with a scale that read a different number than I had hoped for.

"I'm getting fat!!!" I scream in terror. "You're looking so fit" says Meshi. In public places people aren't recognizing me from behind saying "Oh you're looking skinnier!" I start to play with my calories and my regime ignoring compliments. People are grabbing my arms and making comments about how my leg and arm muscles practically ripple when I move in my clothes. But I still see a # that doesn't agree with that chart. And when I think "ripple" I think of what used to jiggle many many pounds ago. I hadn't considered the % of body fat I'd lost and muscle gained, I only focused on the scale.

This is what I wanted. And honestly I'm fit. I mean I can take on some of the fittest people and go head to head. I'm rocking the physical goals my trainer has set for me. I can flex my muscles and wow you. Meshi looks at me after whining about my arms being so bulky and says "well we can take you back down some weights and go lean." And I realize that out of my mouth has already come "NO I WANT TO BE STRONG!" He laughs a little and goes on.

This is me again getting used to my transforming body. Somedays it's prettier than others. I have a delightful friend who is going through a radical weight loss process and he says "Yes sometimes I get all upset with myself but then I have those moments when I can move and I can live and its worth it." I love these reminders because it is the heart of my heart. It's really only when I start comparing myself to others or to a certain way I think I should look or a certain # that sends me into self loathing.

Today I was looking at myself in the mirror and thinking that years ago I never would have imagined this would be my body. I can stand in one leg of a pair of shorts I used to wear. I remember the conversation I had with Meshi about his goals for me and him sincerely answering my hysterical "What are your goals for me?! Am I doing okay?!" with an answer that still rocks me to my core.

"My goal for you has always been that you would be happy."

I stand there and realize that goal is accomplished.

rant: stop eating crap

2011-02-07T08:13:00.000-08:00

ok. Let me just say this early on, this blog is a slight rant.

Do you know what ticks me off? "Fit" people eating like crap.
Now I'm not talking about a cheat meal/high calorie day. I do this periodically to play with my metabolism and to allow myself to enjoy some of the foods that are not so healthy. But I eat my fruits and veggies and lean meats constantly. I allow myself a craving indulgence on occasion after evaluating if it's an emotional need or just the fact I want to have the food. I also screw up in weak moments. I am not perfect. I know you aren't either.

Because I work in fitness and am moving towards the final steps of my license for personal training/life coaching I strive to live the life that I ask others to have as they move on their pathway of fitness. Because I've been morbidly obese and sedentary for years I know my propensity to gain it all back and fall into the same old patterns. You don't lose fat cells after all, they only shrink. And mine lurk waiting on the candy isles and near the pizza and cheeseburgers. Jerks.

I've seen "fit" people make horrific statements about heavy people and then run off to McDonald's for their value meal. I've seen "fit" people bust butt in a cycle class and then head out to gorge themselves. I've heard teachers in fitness classes say "well now that you've burned all those calories you can go out and have a good time and eat whatever you want!"

WHAT THE HELLLLLLLL! If you're abusing your body like this all the time, you are not fit. You are not living a healthy life. It doesn't matter how much time you spend on the treadmill, you are killing yourself.

There is nothing fit about fatty liver, heart disease, sugary body surges. food related mood swings. Just because you are losing weight, are thin, have muscle mass does not make you a fit person!

Do me a favor and check out what happens to your body when you binge on sugar and simple carbs: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/what-happens-to-your-body-when-you-carb-binge/

Or revisit Supersize me in this summary of what 30 days of a McDonald's Diet did Morgan:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2diPZOtty0

My goal isn't for people to be a certain size, it's for them to be vibrant healthy people living happy lives. What are you doing to truly be fit?

The healing process: Fatherless

2011-01-25T10:20:00.000-08:00

You know what's amazing? Years can pass and conversations that need to happen can stay stagnant and then one day Oprah can have a show on that blows the lid off.

Which is exactly what happened yesterday. O had a show on about her half sister who recently found her and the process of that journey for all of them.

I never knew my father. I met him once when I was 2 1/2. He didn't want to be a part of my life yet he and my mother dated till I was almost 3 years old. I never knew his identity. It was something we never talked about. I remember once in second grade asking my Mom what my father was like and later hearing her cry when she thought I was asleep and vowing never to ask again. I created him in my head when I needed to. I had this intense sense of not being wanted but I conjured up a love story between he and my mother and thought of myself as this product of a passionate love affair.

In my 20s I started to really realize how broken I had become. I carried this thing about me: that not wanted, not good enough, detached, male love seeking brokenness. I carried it in behaviors. I carried it in my weight. I carried it in the self hatred I beat myself up with. After some therapy, My Mom and I had a serious conversation. She was closed towards me but she did tell me a bit about my father. He had died of cancer when I was 18. He had lived in my hometown all my life but had traveled a lot and played music. He had a large magnetic personality, wrote for a magazine and had rich friendships. People who knew him said he brought joy to almost every encounter they had with him.

All my life I had a hole. I didn't look like my Mom. I didn't act like her. Who was I like? Who was this other part of me? I wanted to find out. I mustered all the energy I had to go to the door of my Grandmother on my Father's side. I should have thought it out more. Should have warned her. But I just walked up and knocked. As soon as she opened the door she gasped. And I stood there looking at her hand on the door because I was amazed that it was so similar to my own. I snapped out of it. "Hello. I'm so sorry to just show up but Jerry was my father and I wanted to meet you. I don't want anything from you but to know you and to talk to you about him." I think I said it so fast I may not have breathed. She stood there, looked at me and her face changed to disgust. And then she started in "You're a liar. You get off my property. I never want to see your face. Liar Liar Liar"

I don't remember getting to my car. I remember getting down the street and parking and sitting there and being in shock and trying to feel my body and then eventually crying and thinking "why did I let myself do that?"

Two weeks later she died. I never saw her again- not that I would probably have tried to.

I met my father's best friend next. He wouldn't look at me. The entire hour he talked to his wife and to my mother and not to me. It was a wretched experience. I felt rejected and humiliated. On my way out of the house he said something to my mother she told me later. He said "I couldn't look at her. It was like seeing his ghost"

I found out I had a half brother. He doesn't know I exist. I thought long and hard about attempting to meet him. He's younger than I am. And I wondered if there would be any benefit in him knowing his father wasn't the man he thought, and that he had a history. I wondered how I would feel as a child who my father didn't want to look into the eyes of a child he did. I wondered if I could endure another moment similar to the one with my grandmother if it happened. I sit down with my Pastor at the time and we talked about it. And he said "I know it hurts now but 5 years from now will you regret not meeting him?" I thought about this for weeks. And I thought- i don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt me, I don't want to do this. I decided not to. Its been longer than 5 years and I don't regret it.

The thing was I was searching for ME in the process. I was asking questions about who this man was but the root of it was really "Am I like him?" "Will this explain who I am?" I didn't get the answers that way. But I started to look more for myself. I had to come to terms with the fact that no my father didn't want me. He didn't love me. But my Mom did. And no it wasn't a passionate love affair but I was meant to be. And I started to realize that all along for some reason I had been given an extra helping of love to give out, maybe to make up for the fact I didn't get it from a parent.

There is a world of hurt around this situation. I've done a lot of healing. My Mother has too. And our relationship has definitely gotten better in the last few years. But we don't talk about this. I talk a little when I'm sharing about my weight loss because so much of it's core has that fatherless hole to it. But yesterday, we TALKED. I think her seeing it on Oprah helped her to see my perspective. I think it helped us to open up a little more about it all. I think it helped a little of the shame fall away. I think it will help us heal a little bit more.

Getting over arm shame in front of thousands

2011-01-24T10:10:00.000-08:00

When I was younger I used to love wearing sleeveless shirts. I think I loved the warmth of the sun on my shoulders. One day in 5th grade this kid said to me "wow you have fat arms" (and I did) and from then on I did not show my arms in public.

Fast forward to today. Having lost almost half my weight and working like a crazy woman to shape up my arms, I carried that shame with me without really realizing. Oh lets get real, so much of what I carried for so long was weight of shame and self loathing. But it's a new day for me.

I was asked to Zumba at the NBA halftime show for the Portland Trail Blazers. I won't lie, I tried to weasel out of it. And a friend I just love kinda bent over backwards to get me a ticket and get me registered. I was in.

Do you know the reason I wavered? Because we had to wear sleeveless shirts. It wasn't the fear of dancing in front of people. It was that my arms would be seen. Crazy I know but if I'm being real with you, that's the truth. I started talking to Meshi about it. He started telling me to get some balls.

When I got to the event a couple of women were standing there fidgeting. One was almost in tears. She said "I feel so self conscious" "Me too." I said. And then quickly "But we're going to have fun because that's what this is about. Showing anyone in the stands that they can do this. And I love that all shapes and genders are showcased." We clung to each other and took to the floor.

It was amazing. And 20,000ish people got to see my arms. Go figure.

Me and my arms to the right. on the biggggg screen no less. ha.

Can you find me? I'm in the middle by the Blazer's symbol. Arm up. No regrets.

Risk Assessment- Heritage/Race/History

2011-01-11T13:13:00.001-08:00

For my Personal Training certification class we are learning risk assessments, which in and of itself is a little daunting. Add on top of that, my speciality of working with obesity and you can imagine the intricate detail this goes into. I just had to step away from it for a while because it was starting to depress me.

Having lived that lifestyle personally I am confounded at how simply eating better and moving more literally turned most of those things around for me. But still, the process of getting there is easier said than done. Most of us know the basics. But information and action aren't the same thing. I was having a conversation the other day with someone and said "The whole success is saying you're going to do it and then do it." It ticked them off. I didn't say it was simple or easy. I'm just saying that it's how you get there. I often fall short on the doing part myself.

What made me most sad was that the risk factors included race. Now I am a white girl writing this info but don't jump on me for saying it. I'm just telling you what the stats are telling me- that African Americans, Mexicans, American Indians and Asians are immediately assessed with a higher risk. Not because of racism on the CPT part but because of culture/diet. Seems like an unfair predicament. Then again I was raised in a very poor home on government cheese and cheap foods. That probably should be an automatic risk factor too.

I remember an episode of "Losing it with Jillian" I watched this summer. She was on a Reservation and was taking away the fry bread. This did not bode well. "It is part of our heritage!" they argued. But besides the fact it was killing them slowly at on average 700 cals and 27 grams of fat per serving, they didn't realize that it wasn't a good part of their heritage. It's origin came from when the native peoples were imprisoned, starving and given rations by the US Government of flour and lard to live off of. Hands down one of the most devastating acts in our history. The bad part of that story hadn't been passed down- just the food.

I am thinking of my own eating/family/cultural traditions. It was hard to adapt away from them. So many "special" treats I had growing up was made from being so poor. Gravy made from drippings, flour and water could stretch a meal. White flour could go a long ways and that with lard, butter and sugar could be a sweet treat on a Sunday morning. My Gram wasn't trying to make me fat, she was trying to feed me with what we had. And often to overcompensate for feeling bad about not having enough she'd make these meals feel special to me.

The fact is that sometimes you can't control where you've come from, the traditions, the culture. But you can make changes. And you can still love the origins that you came from.

In that episode of "Losing It" I spoke of, the most amazing thing happened. The Counsel got together and decided the health of the people was most important. They ended up supporting a healthier diet sans Fry Bread and exercise routine that the entire community could participate in. A new tradition! And one born out a way much more love than one of survival.

Stuck in Chapter 2.

2011-01-09T19:58:00.000-08:00

I'm trying so hard to be healthy inside and out. My goal is that I can be a person who really lives out the life I am calling forth in others. This means I walk out the struggles and the bumps. It means I learn to be honest about them and hopefully move through them. As a trainer wanting to help people who are morbidly obsese there is a lot to be dealt with. It's not as simple as the 30 pounds to get fit before a beach trip or a wedding. In a lot of cases its a life. And it's stepping into patterns and wounds of that lifetime.

While studying for my cert I am also working on my own junk. Part of that means walking through "A Course in Weight Loss" by Marianne Williamson. You know what's funny? I decided to do this as "research" for a part of my cert. I am a dork. It's totally hitting home.

I am marinating in Lesson 2. It appears as if I will never get out of it and not because I am not doing it. The title is "Thin you, meet not thin you." Oh yeah. You know where that's going. And this 10 pages is killing me softly. How do I love my fat self? How do I love my thin self? How do I look into the eyes of weakness and addiction that I hate in order to see someone I love in there? How was I even loveable to those around me? Dude, I am not saying this as a low self esteem comment to lure you into "there there"-ing me. I need to get to the root of this. So I sit in this place with it. And I wait. And I think. And I marvel. And I cry. I will not give up. It is too important.

I looked though some old emails. One from a friend Mary Jo who sent me the older picture below. In the message she called me beautiful. I sat there looking at it, then looking at my most recent face shot. This friend has seen me and I do mean ME- on really bad days, with really bad behavior, wounds displayed for all to see. And she saw me physically as I carried the weight of it all on myself. And still she calls out beauty. Hmmm.

The funny thing is that neither of these pics shows my body. Just my face. I suppose I find most identity in my face and I feel like it has changed so much. I was looking at these pics. Would these girls like each other? Would they have much in common? Am I nuts to be processing this like I have multiple personalities?! ha. I joke.

I cannot wait to see what comes of this. I cannot wait to share with you how I grow. Right now I'm just in it. But I know there will be something amazing coming along. Thanks for being with me!

random sighs

2011-01-08T23:51:00.001-08:00

We are now well into 2011. How did this happen?
I hope your heart has swelled with the optimism of the year ahead. I have high hopes for 2011.

When I last blabbed on I had been working on being kinder to myself. As you know, I struggle with this. I also struggle with slowing down and relaxing. I suppose it is the lesson of balance from being so stagnant emotionally and physically for so many years and now being able to MOVE. But do you know what I did? I pulled an Ab muscle. You know how we breathe and laugh and twist and sit? Yeah, this ab, it's for all that. And I was just in the process of reshaping my ab muscles. I am not a happy April. And let me tell you this hurts. A lot. But life has a way of slowing you down and causing you to care for yourself in different ways. Sigh.

I also told you in the past about my journey for better posture. I am so grateful for my trainer-man for seeing this and (as usual) calling out my best. Finally breakthrough in my stance came when he equated it to a booty pop. Um hello, I can booty pop. So I did. And am consciously having to make effort to do this. Having been belly heavy apple shape I tend to walk and stand belly first- straining the back, the abs (um hello!) messing up the form of my exercises and all around making myself look fatter than I am. I must be doing a good job with my booty pop because the other day after gymming it up I stopped at the Redbox to return a dvd remembering to stand in my pop. Meanwhile three men walking by seemed to vocally enjoy the fruits of my labor. Sigh again.

I am in the process of completing my class to be a Certified Personal Trainer. I cannot tell you how much I love it. It is fascinating. It makes my heart pitter pat. I savor it and bore people around me with all the good things I am learning. I want this more than I can remember wanting anything else in my life. I long to be an excellent one and have grazed off the knowledge of others I look up to. I feel things changing. It is scary wonderful. Sigh and Swoon.

I am working mostly on surrounding myself with people that bring out my best and that I can do likewise with. This means saying goodbyes. It means also saying hellos. Life tends to usher someone else in the door as another walks out and I have been experiencing the most amazing people in that process. Sigh, life is good.

witnessing/living the journey

2011-01-02T18:32:00.000-08:00

Well 2011 made quite an entrance. I had to work early. Within 2 hours of my shift I had a tragic death, a domestic causing a critical stab wound, a child who blinded himself in one eye and various other people to tend to. Part of my job is to make these people feel at ease. Some days that is easier than others.

Later that evening I found out one of my oldest and dearest friends has cancer. Who's job is it to make me feel at ease? I walked the dog I was house sitting for. The walking and watching the dog sniffing out excitedly every thing we passed did the trick.

That was a lot of life I witnessed that day. The odd part is that none of it was mine. But we are all interconnected so there was a sharing of it all. It was an odd moment. I am alive. I am healthy. I have my vision. I have abilities. I have dreams and hopes and a clean slate of a year ahead of me. Witnessing all I did that day, how can I not run face first into really living it?!

I've been so touched by Paulo Coelho's writings. His blog Jan 1 was about the journey. He urged us not to linger too long. Not to dwell too much. To savor the moments as they happen and allow yourself to keep moving. He told us to bring tools- to know what each one's purpose was and to keep them cared for to do the work ahead. He told us to be thoughtful of the choices but once we step forward to not think at all about the other paths we could have taken.

So here we go. Stepping into 2011. I'm ready!

2010 favorites

2010-12-26T22:05:00.000-08:00

Oh 2010... we had some good times together. A lot of good times. Here are 5 of my favorite things about this year from a list of 100s. ***IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER!

Holden is by far the heart of my heart. I love this kid so much. We've been hanging out for years. Getting to spend the summer with him (or any day of the week for that matter) is one of the best things in the world. This summer we went on adventures to the ocean, did photo shoots, premiered movies, laughed like crazy, just to name a few.

I love fitness! Even more, I love helping other people get fit! This year I had the opportunity to teach Zumba, Cycle and Circuit classes. Words cannot express how much joy I get from this!

My gurlz! They champion me. They love me. They make me laugh. They help me be strong when I feel weak. We did all sorts of crazy stuff this year including camping among wild beasts, nearly dying on a tandem bike, feasting, dancing, road tripping (one of them may have hurled in the backseat), saturday lunching, cackling- the list is too long to go on.

Every week. Almost every day it seems, I am with this man. My personal trainer and life changer Meshi. There will never be enough words to express his impact on me- physically, mentally, emotionally. I'll be forever in debt...

Um hello! I met my hero Bob Harper! I got to hug him! I got to watch him work people out. I got to work out with him! I got to chat with him and tell him about getting healthier! I wish I could relive this moment again. I was so nervous! Definately a moment I won't forget!

2011... I have big plans for you. Whatcha got for me?!

2011 goal: Compassion to myself

2010-12-25T13:39:00.000-08:00

I love the beginning of things- the nervous anticipation of possibilities that lie before us, the clean slate, the humbling of being out of one's element, the kindness (or not) it evokes in those with you along the way. I've always been in love with Mondays. Always loved a new box of crayons and the smoothness of a new pad of paper. The beauty of untouched snow. Therefore I always love the new year. I love thinking about all that can come to be. Love reflecting on the past and setting goals for myself.

I'm gonna be talking here on my blog about some of my goals I am setting for the new year. They may spark you as well. They may spark good conversation. Or they may just lie here in cyberspace. At least they are out here.

My first thing is: compassion. Towards myself.

I've been told before "If you heard someone spoken to the way you talked to yourself, you'd be outraged." I've been asked before "would you ever think that about or say that about a client of yours?" knowing full well I would NEVER. I am so cruel to myself it's ridiculous. And yet I pour out love to the world around me. I give out grace. I am an unending tidal wave of love and encouragement to people in my path. It needs to get right in my own little heart towards me too.

December has been HARD. Emotionally it's been gut wrenching. Physically it's been exhausting but not in the good ways. Work has been stress city and a crazy schedule working around the clock. And I have eaten like crap. If there is a peanut butter cookie in sight it stands no chance. sigh. I hate it. Working overnights I have abused myself with coffee and sugar just to make it through awake. The list goes on.

Here is the messed up part. I've abused my body, feel totally icky physically, emotionally beat myself up. And I only gained one pound. You want to know what my reaction was? I was mad I only gained a pound. "WHY?" You scream. Because I thought "There should be natural consequences for my behaviors!"

here's how the dialogue went.
Friend: So you're saying you abused your body, ate like crap and you are mad because you didn't gain more weight. which you are trying NOT to do.
Me: Yes! There should be natural consequences!!!
Friend: You're nuts!
Me: I should not be rewarded for bad behavior!
Friend: So you want your already abused body to rise up and abuse you back? This is jacked. You want to talk about natural consequences? Your natural consequence is you've worked hard, you've built muscle and your body can handle it when you have a bad month.
Me: *silence*
Friend: You would never encourage this in anyone you were working with. I don't understand why you would do this to yourself. This is craziness that has to stop.
Me: yes. yes it does.

How do I become more compassionate with myself? Baby steps. It's gotta be me re-evaluating what I am saying/thinking constantly. This change will be slow because I am undoing a lifetime of self criticism. AND me being ok if I fail a bit (boy that is so counter intuitive for me) We're talking guerrilla strategy here dude. I can do it. I'll keep you posted!

May 2011 be a year of compassion- to yourself as well! Mostly so that once we are filled with love it will pour out even more perfectly to the world around us from a stream that is pure.

Heartbreak warfare

2010-12-21T17:29:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had one of those relationships of whatever sort where just one day-what seems like to you out of the blue, they just are gone. They just don't love you. And you are left there with that confused moment when your heart is gaping wide open and the one person who used to comfort it, is the one who made the whole? yeah. It's been a long December.

This isn't a sob story blog. Nor is it a lash out about the incident blog. It's me living openly before you.

I am no stranger to being left. And I have a deep fear/stigma attached to it. When you're the kid who's father took one look at you and never wanted anything to do with you, you tend to need a little healing. I was born from a Mom who was literally shunned when she got pregnant with me and I was born in a hospital room with no one there to visit. I used to think that was sad. But there are times when I think about my Mom and think "wow. That's so strong. She loved me. She wanted me. Even if it meant she lost everything else." I've never given birth but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to do it by myself. I came out howling. I don't think I'll ever stop. And because my roots come solo- I'm pretty sure I can do anything I please with or without someone by my side.

I tend to hold too tight. Especially to the ones who matter the most. Tend to revere too highly. Have this beautiful/horrible thing about my capacity to love that floods like tidal waves. And you know that Kanye song "I always find something wrong..." (in me) But this is a process and heartbreak by heartbreak the pieces picked up and put back together again make a much better one.

I marvel in the healing that has happened in my heart. Many years ago being left like this would have sent me into a tailspin. The internal dialogue would go something like: see this is ALWAYS what happens. I'll never let anyone in that close again. I don't really need anyone anyway. It would either cause me in fear to cling onto more the people who remain close in my world or completely distance myself (depending on my choice of reaction)

Now I step back and go: where is the pattern? What did I do to contribute or not to this? What can I do to grow from this? Now mind you, this does not come easy, nor fast and sometimes you just need to listen to some Taylor Swift heartbreaky songs and cry in a ball, maybe emotionally eat for a day or a few.

I think I've learned that you really can choose how something affects your outlook. It may steamroll you, but you control the way you think about what happened. This is something I'd like to grow in. So I'm making it part of my goals for 2011 and beyond. Lets see how I do.

sunday ramblings...

2010-12-12T17:20:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe 2010 is coming to a close. In many ways this year feels like it dragged on forever and then scurried away. I guess it depended upon the circumstances.

I'm gonna just be random here for today.

I dreamt last night that I was walking along down a hallway. The walls started squishing in on me and as they did I started dropping things I was carrying. If I tried to reach back for them the walls would squish in more but seemed broader in front of me. I kept thinking "Do I need any of that that I just dropped?!" And I stopped and realized I had a choice to make of going forward losing stuff or trying to grab it all and head back out. In the dream I took off running forward and got faster as i got to the end of the tunnel. I don't remember what was at the end but I remember behind me it sealed up. Pretty intense dream. I'm glad for it. Though a nice romance with Justin Timberlake dream would have been less stressful. haha.

In 2 weeks I will have completed my training for my new gig. I will be so grateful for that. I've been working all sorts of hours and getting only one day off a week. I'll work overnight one day, then evening and then daytime. I can't handle it. My body is super confused and I am starting to forget things. Such as my own name. I was sitting in a meeting the other day and thought "hmm, I wonder if I remembered to turn off my car." Not good. But just a little longer. I can do it.

I'm realizing that the people you choose to surround yourself with impact your journey in ways you cannot imagine. I'm also realizing that those who are not on the same type of pathway will fall away. I am so fortunate to have made friendships of people who are deeply positive and wise. Who gladly accept my love and also champion me towards my own best life. If I could give anyone advice who is wanting to make positive life changes it would be to truly look around and see who you spend most of your days with and then check in to see if they are really loving you and nurturing your growth. AND of course if you are theirs. It makes a huge difference. And that was my self helpy feel good moment of the day.

It is Christmas time and I confess I don't feel Christmasy at all. Not that I am scroogey but I think if I didn't set foot in Target I wouldn't know it was nearing Dec 25. I will work on Christmas eve till 1:30am and then on the actual day will indulge in a friend potluck (they are all wonderful and clean so my OCD has a vacation day) and watching movies. It will be blissfully simple. I would *love* to go home to see my Mom but in the last two years I haven't been able to afford it so we send care packages and love and go on.

So thats it for now faithful blog readers. I shall find something inspiring or belly laugh worthy for the next time. Until then, enjoy the season!

Self Esteem

2010-12-05T21:18:00.000-08:00

Recently Meshi commented about the way my body is changing. Right now it's very obvious and my stature looks more fit than before. I've got some muscles and some curves and some bones. I've grown accustomed to the changing. I rarely go 4 weeks or so without a new shape somewhere. It sounds crazy, but it's part of the process. I feel close to Meshi as we talk about this, mostly because we've been in this together for so long it's like it's *OUR* process, not just mine.

The other day I said "Hey guess what I realized?! I'm not fat!" Meshi didn't flinch really, He just smiled and shook his head and said "No. No, you aren't." And I was all proud. I'm pretty certain he was too.

This is pretty exciting. I haven't talked about it here because I was afraid it wouldn't stick with me. I didn't tell anyone. And I knew Meshi would be the first person I told when I really believed it. So I waited with caution. But it's still here so I welcome it.

I wonder where it came from? A result of time and care? A bud off a plant that has been watered with love and honesty from those around me? Eyes finally catching up with the evolution of the rest of my body? Me finally realizing my value? I guess I can't pinpoint one thing. It's probably a mix of all those things plus some bumps and bruises, hurts, disappointments. But it's mine. I am not fat. And you know what, I'm kinda pretty too.

little odd things that keep goals close to the heart

2010-12-03T23:01:00.000-08:00

What I am about to tell you I am aware may make me sound a little crazy. But what is the internet for than outing the oddities of others. I started this too dramatic but hey it's my blog.

So my new gig. It's a good one. I like it a lot. And better yet, I'm good at it. But after years of social services I should be. I've seen a lot and dealt with all types. And I have that thing inside me that just loves people. It's a good job when I get the hours. I like it. Sure, it has its negatives but what place doesn't? Here is where I tell you the perhaps crazy part.

I don't actually really want to be doing this job. Anyone who has been reading this blog knows my great big dream is in the fitness world. Knows that I literally did drudgery work just to keep my gym membership and beloved trainer this fall. And I was never happier. It's all I wanna do. And some days I feel like running screaming from my job into the streets. I can imagine the sensation of rain on my skin, kicking off the dress clothes and heels and full on sprinting away without a care in the world. But I know I need a job to pay the bills and the dream I have to work with my trainerman hasn't come to be.

And this is what I do.

I park at the waterfront and take a shuttle to the aerial tram up the hill to the hospital. Which is located next to the OHSU gym/wellness center. This means it takes longer for me to get to work so I have to get up earlier and plan more travel time. The important thing to note here is that I absolutely HATE heights. And I hate the tram. I especially hate the dip swing part that happens every ride. I hate the sensation of the wind jostling us all standing crammed like cattle going off to slaughter. It terrifies me. I often wonder how long the emergency response would take to get us if we fell. I work in the ER. I know these things take time. Would I make it?

I digress.

Well crazy woman why the hell are you doing this then, you ask. Because I see the gym and it reminds me of my passion and it helps me to make it through. There are windows by all the machines and the only time I look out the window is when I am close and I can see all the people working out on their machines. It's like a taunting motivator. A goal in sight. A gym that I don't have a membership to. I can pass by but not go in. And yet my heart is already inside. It's a crazy little game I play in my head, I know but it gets me through the day.

So it is possible to shrink a head.

2010-11-26T22:12:00.000-08:00

wow. You can thank facebook for allowing old friends and lovers to reconnect. You can also thank facebook for allowing the posting of pictures that shock the hell outta you.

Me in college:

Me now:

2010-11-24T18:06:00.000-08:00

Much is a flutter in my life. But I shall choose to tell you about my latest gig. Here is my mouthful of a title of my job. I am a Patient Access Services Specialist in the Emergency Department. I do admissions and registrations at OHSU (Oregon Health Science University)

The hospital is freakin huge and when i get on the campus from the aerial tram I feel very small. Yet the more I learn to navigate the place I feel bigger and more confident. It's on a hill and overlooks the city. I could be a community all on it's own. I think I have fallen in love with this city on a hill. (see pretty pic above!)

Now, mind you I am a mushy person. I am deep, weepy, introspective and I tend to spend time thinking too much. I also have worked in social services and medical services for about 16 years. So I know when not to be a blubbering idiot. I remember when I was 19 and I was learning the ropes of my social services internship. I remember learning the importance of leaving the work at the door, of caring as best I could at the moment and detaching after the moment had passed as to not take the work with me to the next situation or home. The problem I saw all around me except in one mentor was that people couldn't find the medium of the swing so they just became detached entirely. I have prayed over the years that I would not become detached.

I love people. I mean LOVE them. If I could make a living taking the world out to coffee and having each one tell me a story I would. Instead I get the emergency room. And here is my answered prayer: I have not become detached.

This morning I walked from room to room doing my work. I didn't waste time but I managed to give each patient or visitor a smile and look them in the eyes. I understand that I am seeing some of them at their very worst. They are sick, hurting, scared. I cannot tell you what kind of patients I saw today but I will tell you that I had the entire spectrum of the circle of life and it was beautiful. And I got to be kindness along the way.

I'm convinced working in the Emergency Dept in a hoppin hospital could potentially kill a person off. Or it could be a provoker to encourage someone to keep their eyes open to the beauty of every moment- remembering life is short. I'm choosing to be the annoying optimist. But would you expect anything less?

Army inside...

2010-11-15T21:32:00.001-08:00

My Creative writing prof David Wolf introduced me to Nicole Blackmen when she was in Des Moines doing a reading at Java Joes. Her words were piercing and silenced me for a long time sending me into myself for much pondering.

Today wasn't a great day. I came across this poem. Reminded me of my own inner strength again.

Daughter
by Nicole Blackman

One day I'll give birth to a tiny baby girl
and when she's born she'll scream
and I'll tell her to never stop

I will kiss her before I lay her down at night
and will tell her a story so she knows
how it is and how it must be for her to survive

I'll tell her to set things on fire
and keep them burning
I'll teach her that fire will not consume her
that she must use it

I'll tell her that people must earn the right
to use her nickname
that forced intimacy is an ugly thing

I'll help her to see that she will not find God
or salvation in a dark brick building
built by dead men

I'll make sure she always carries a pen
so she can take down evidence
If she has no paper, I'll teach her to
write everything down with her tongue,
write it on her thighs

I'll make her keep reinventing herself and run fast
I'll teach her to write her manifestos
on cocktail napkins
I'll say she should make men lick her ambition
I'll make her understand that she is worth more
with her clothes on
I'll teach her to talk hard

I'll tell her that when the words come too fast
and she has no use for a pen
that she must quit her job
run out of the house in her bathrobe
leave the door open
I'll teach her to follow the words

They will try to make her stay
comfort her, let her sleep, bathe her in a television blue glow
I will cut her hair, tell her to light the house on fire
kill the kittens
When nothing is there
nothing will keep her
and she is not to be kept

I'll say that everything she has done, seen, spoken
has brought her to the here, this, now
This is no time for tenderness
no time to stand, waiting for them to find her
There are nations within her skin
Queendoms come without keys you can carry

I'll teach her that she has an army inside her
that can save her life
I'll teach her to be whole, to be holy
I'll teach her how to live,
to be so much that she doesn't even
need me anymore
I'll teach her to go quickly and never come back
Things get broken fast here

I'll make her stronger
than I ever was

Turned at twenty she'll break into bits of star and throw herself against the sky

(2006 is an excellent year to disappear)

I will not let them
distroy her life
the way they distroyed
mine

I'll tell her to never forget
what they did to you
and never let them know
you remember

Never forget
what they did to you
and never let them know
you remember

Never forget
what they did to you
and never let them know
you remember

Tears in my Whopper: The battle for beauty- emotional eating

2010-11-13T14:17:00.001-08:00

The summer my Gram died was devistating. I've had a lot of heartbreak in my world but losing her, I cannot remember more soul shaking sadness. I was to be in summer classes in college with my favorite prof and a lot of close friends. Instead I stayed in Indiana and slept. It left my Mom and I in a broken shell of a relationship we hadn't ever deveolped. She worked, I slept. The only agreement was that I would pick her up from her evening job as she didn't like driving at night. Plus I could say I left the house every day because truly the only thing I was doing was waking up in the wee hours to watch Northern Exposure.

Here is the ugly truth of what happened. I'd pick up my mom from work and we'd drive across town past several Burger Kings to "the good one" And we'd order Whopper with Cheese value meals and sit in the car in silence and gorge ourselves. And this is how Burger King's fatty disgusting food became something I associate with comfort. There's an unwritten code in my eating world I will spare you all the details but an an example: candy= I feel lonely rejected abandoned. Cheeseburger= I am heartbroken.

I got a gift of a Burger King certificate from a cute kid a while ago. I giggled. I mean it's a child. And to a kid, this was a pretty spectacular gift. Last night I was feeling particularly happy- was heading to see my friend Patria, had Zumba and heartbreak was the furthest from my mind. I ordered the whopper jr with no mayo. I had planned to take it to my destination but plans changed and I was forced to eat it in my car.

I sat there with smaller version of this burger I haven't had a hint of a taste of in years IN MY CAR. I was kinda scared. I have a lot of irrational thoughts that like to reside in my head and one was particularly nervous that this would send me back down an old path. Luckily another was bolder and knew my changed life better. But I'll tell you that first bite was like eating a memory. We don't forget those sorts of things easily.

I was sharing with a friend about this today and before I knew it she told me about how eating at home provoked such deep emotions of lonliness and loss that she could hardly bear to do it. That vibrant woman's tears welled up as she admitted this and shared the root of this feeling. I realized we all have these associations.

I started to wonder how I as a fitness professional I could even think of helping someone make a lifetime healthy change without honestly addressing these things. It's not a weight issue it's a life just kinda hurts and we are trying our best to survive it issue. This whole scene of yo-yo dieting, magical concoctions, surgeries, eating disorders, non dieting etc... None of them will ever truly be successful if we don't deal with the emotional connections we have with food.

Now I'm not dumb. You can't change the biology of the human mind. And quite frankly I don't think it is wrong to have certain special foods associated with memories. I just think it's important to really be aware of them so we have some gage on our emotions as they play out in our physical health.

The battle for beauty: the acne chronicles

2010-11-12T09:55:00.000-08:00

So I was browsing the news today and found that a new study talks about increasing rates of suicide due to acne. The study looked at people on medication for severe acne but concluded that the suicide seemed more related to the actual stigma of the acne rather than the medication. I am deeply saddened by this.

I had good skin my whole life. I had a few random breakouts but nothing too horrendous. And then about a year and a half ago I became a pizza face. Let me tell you, as a person in her 30s, this did not go over well. And there is only so much one can do to hide it. I was devastated.

After a visit with the derm the conclusion came- it was due to weight loss. One- my hormones were changing in relation to my weight and two- the elasticity of my skin was coming back and therefore trapping the dirt. My derm was pleased. I wanted to punch her in the head. She noted, that it showed that my skin was able to recover from the weight loss and it would be great for my entire body as I continued to tone it. While this actually was good news all I could think of was "I have to walk around with these big zits on my face!!!!!" I didn't want to take any meds for it because I wanted to be naturally healthy. But the stigma in my own head made we literally cry and want to stay home all the time. My face depressed me. We tried a few creams and in the end I decided on Proactive. (which slowly and surely has brought my complexion to a very nice place. Still working but I don't even have scars!)

The one thing I remember about this time in my life was a conversation I had with trainer extraordinaire Meshi. During my weight loss I suffered from the acne and thinning hair. And I remember mentioning it to him and saying "WHY WOULD THIS HAPPEN IN A TIME I AM SUPPOSED TO BE LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF?!?!?!?!" And he simply said "What better time for you to learn to love yourself than now?" Dang it. He was right.

I wish I could reach out to those people struggling with this. I wish I had something really encouraging to say to them. All I could say was "I know how it feels" and "People don't notice it as much as you think" But I know also that sometimes it doesn't even matter what other people think or say because we tend to only hear the voice in our own heads beating us down. It's hell. Sometimes we need a Meshi-type to say something simple and continue to look at us with eyes of kindness even when we can't look at ourselves that way.

Life is so precious. We've got to continue to draw out the beauty in the people we love around us. It's becoming an all out war for lives.

Scars are souvenirs you never lose...

2010-11-07T18:27:00.000-08:00

I stood in the grocery line yesterday buying my lean meats, veggies, whole grains. An incredibly heavy woman was in line behind me. I couldn't help but notice her because the very act of her unloading her cart had sent her into heavy breathing. I smiled at her. She looked down but smiled back. I looked at her pile- cheetos, several 2 liters, 4 containers of ice cream, 4 boxes of breakfast sandwiches, other random junk food. I looked back at the ice cream- chocolate peanut butter. My fave. I commented "Oh man, that looks good!" She looked at my selections then at me in my workout uniform. Again looking down she said "well you probably wouldn't eat it like I do." Oh honey, you have no idea I thought. It wasn't appropriate to launch into my life story at that moment. But I realized a line was drawn. I used to feel a camaraderie with bigger people. But it was obvious that I was now not behind that line. Who was I?

I came home and looked in the mirror. I pulled up my shirt and looked at my belly and back making sure the faded iridescent stretch marks were still there. The ones that sometimes after my shower I pretend are scars from a tiger because in the loss they have grown to look almost like stripes to me. You have to look very close and critically to see them. But I know each one of them.

I've been reading "Unbearable Lightness" today. I promised myself if I bought it I would finish it and not hide from it. It is a painful process. Part of me wants to run as far away as I can, the other digs deeper into it simultaneously comforted and horrified at how familiar the story of an eating disorder is.

Portia de Rossi is beautiful inside and out. And she hated herself. I want to scream at her "Why can't you see how amazing you are?" But I have people in my own life doing the same thing and I know just how easy it is not to. Some ask "Why would this self image struggle happen now that you are thinner?" But the real answer is: it has always been here. And it's slowly getting way better.

I had a very dear friend from my early twenties write me an email apologizing for not speaking up earlier about my weight. For not confronting me about how she saw me eating and felt bad about it because she saw how healthy and happy I am now and wished that for me then. It is true (in spite of this body image struggle) I AM SOOOO happy now. But you know the real thing isn't/wasn't food. Or weight- well not physical weight anyway.

I was broken (am broken) And we learn different ways to cope with the cracks. Mine was to mask the feelings with food. So why couldn't someone have stopped me from packing on all those pounds? Because to stop that would be to stop the magnitude of me feeling all those years of life. I needed to experience those years and apparently I needed to experience it in between the shoveling of food into my mouth. I felt, I ate. I felt, I ate.

Now I recover from the addiction/eating disorder/pattern/whatever you call it. My defense mechanisms are low. I no longer seek out ways to soothe my emotions with food leaving me to look at the evidence of what I did. To forgive myself. To forgive the path that led me there. To walk a different one. To get used to myself. To learn to love the scars.

2010-11-06T23:24:00.001-07:00

"You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do." - Anne Lamott

To my 16 year old self...

2010-11-05T14:44:00.000-07:00

I was running an errand stopping by Holden's house this week and came across a project he and I did the summer he was 8. I had to sit down and pull myself together. Man, I love this kid and we've had a blast together. He's almost 13 now. How can it be? His voice is changing, he's taller than I am, his sentences are a grunt and three words. I wish I could keep him that sweet little boy forever. But now I get to watch him become a man with all the awkward, confusing, crazy times in between.

Someone asked me today what I would tell my 16 year old self if I could give her advice. It was a provoking question. Sixteen was not easy. I was searching for myself. I had to make decisions then that affected my path that I didn't even realize at the time. At 16, I started writing for the local paper- started having a voice on social issues. This propelled me toward the college I would attend and the path I would take. Had I chosen a different path at 16, my whole life would have been different.

Sixteen was a time when the wounds of my past surfaced fiercely. Not having a father started to affect my sense of worth and my interactions with males. Past sexual experiences started to confuse me. Abusive words started to echo. I've always been introspective and I tended to turn inward pondering these things. We were poor too and I really was aware of that. Fear of being trapped in my trailer park hometown started to become terrifying to me. I started to dream big goals. I started to want to do anything I could to obtain them.

There are a lot of things I'd tell my 16 year old self. And honestly a lot I wouldn't tell her. Because the journey of this growing time has been worth all the bumps and bruises.

I'd tell her to run face first into her dreams and not worry because they will send her soaring. Some will crash and burn. Others will come true. Still others will lead to places she never could imagine.

I'd tell her to trust more. And stop building walls so big. Risk staying the night without a hand on the door. I'd whisper to her, "Your heart is more resilient than you think. And it's worth it."

I'd tell her to make sure to tell the people around her how significant they are. I'd hope she'd follow that advice because people she loves will leave, die, suffer, take their own lives, endure deep tragedy and she will be there watching it all. She will learn the fragile ways of life. Will weep deep and bitter tears through the night and in the morning see the sunrise. She will realize the world did not stop though she thought it should have. She will have to go on. And she will.

I would sit across from her and savor her. Because she really is brave, beautiful, amazing and nothing she will do will be a mistake. She will have no regrets when she comes to her 30s. There will be times when it all looks like chaos. There will be moments of weakness and ugly breakdowns. But she, she will have her way.

capturing a moment... (Nov progress)

2010-11-03T13:56:00.001-07:00

I had a visitor today. She came when I least expected it and I enjoyed her stay. She rarely comes around. But lately it's been more frequently. People who love me best get so frustrated that I don't invite her over more. But her radiance is often too much for me to handle. And while even the shortest visit with her brings me euphoria, I find it very hard for my heart to remain in her presence for too long. Her name is Self Esteem.

Today was a lovely fall day. I woke up feeling under the weather but the blue skies, gusts of wind and fiery red leaves beckoned me out to my normal daily activities. I stopped to buy the Portia De Rossi book called "Unbearable Lightness" about eating disorders. It was a splurge. I wanted it so badly but without a steady income anything that I have not deemed "need" sends me sailing into fret. Much like the fret of my weight. That still small voice inside of me reminded me "This isn't a time of poverty. It's a time of growth. Use this" I started to think that my whole thought process for the day needed a shift and at that moment I made effort to do so.

I passed a mirror. This reflection thing is hard for me. The distorted figures my mind projects are so hard to overcome. But sometimes I see me as I am. Sometimes I see my reflection and love myself. It's funny, I take fitness classes and teach so mirrors are in my face all the time. I rarely look at myself. But today after that surprising glimpse I stopped, fixed my posture and I looked- for a while. I lifted my shirt and looked at my belly and I said aloud before I could even stop myself "not too shabby!" This belly isn't a size 4. But it's not the 54 inches around it used to be. And I've worked hard to get to this point.

I've been trying to rejoice in my victories mostly because of my trainer. Isn't that funny? I adore him so much and dream big for him. I like being something that reflects his hard work too. And once he told me "sometimes it doesn't matter what gets you there, it matters you get there." So as I have been striving for this, I'm starting to rejoice myself in what I'm accomplishing. I am learning to be enough.

So here's November's progress. I feel so exposed putting pictures like this up. The ghetto self portraits with the camera showing. I guarantee you they aren't self indulgent. But when you have a moment like that, you gotta keep it as best you can.

For the ride!

2010-10-27T13:12:00.000-07:00

Last week I had an epic battle to teach a cycle class. I'll skip the drama and tell you it turned out well. But it was the middle part that sure did give me a learning lesson.

Mind you, Cycle was the first class I ever took and the one I fell in love with. It taught me to push myself beyond what I thought and keep going. It introduced me to my beloved trainer. It got me to keep coming back to the gym. For my birthday I got myself a certification to teach. I trekked to Kelso, Washington because that's the closest cert class they had of the particular cert 24 hour fitness had said they preferred.

Fast forward to my 24 hour fitness audition last month. Here's my perspective- I don't think the guy liked me even from our phone call so this was a strike against me. I mentioned I had lost 140 lbs and my perception of his reaction was that he wasn't impressed. Still, I happily came to the audition with a ride that I had composed that I liked and felt good about. He hated it. Hated my style. Hated the music. Hated my notes. Lets just say nothing I did was right. And I had done everything by the book from the certification I had received. Turns out he has a different certification and had a few negative things to say about mine. He wanted me to come out blazing with fast tempo and yelling. He told me I opened my class up like a Yoga instructor. He told me my music was cheesy and the imagery in the ride was too. He said "basically people just want to see someone fit in the front of the class doing the ride." Was he calling me fat? I don't know. I know I am an average sized woman. Which is some gyms would sadly be called fat. He told me "no" right away and by the time I got to the parking lot my blackberry was flashing an email officially letting me know they had "chosen to go with someone else but thanked me for my interest" as well.

I had mixed emotions. I was in a little shock. I hate being a Midwestern girl so often because I have been taught to be polite and not tell someone off. So as he was continuously criticizing for doing the things I was taught, I just took it and thanked him for his time on the way out. And then I was standing there thinking: this is really a defining moment for me. I got this certification because I wanted to inspire people. I wanted to help them get healthy. I wanted to guide people through a journey where exercise is enjoyable. I don't yell at people! I admit I was nervous and I could have done better audition but for a new instructor at a pretend class I think I did okay. I could change my style and yell and get that job. Or I could tell them to screw off and do it my way in opportunities I get to teach.

So there I was last week subbing a cycle class at a gym that loves me and always gives me such kind feedback. And I freeze. I had a ride put together that was so happy and fun- and a good workout. And all I could do was swat away the negative defeated feelings I had in my head. I sat in my car in the parking lot luring myself into the club for 10 minutes. Once in there to the room to set up I literally thought about going down and telling the front desk I was too ill to teach and leaving. But I knew that was wrong. And I knew I had to do this. Even if what he said was true and I sucked- I could suck one subbed class, right? I mean people hate subs. No pressure!

I got on my bike. Started the ride confidently (ie faking that confidence). My class was almost full, engaged and responsive. They laughed and smiled. They pressed in. They hollered. No one left! They were into it. I saw a woman in the front pushing herself so hard-not necessarily following my cues but pushing it. At the end of class they didn't want to stop. They didn't leave. They stood around waiting to talk to me. They complimented the choreography of the ride. The woman who had pushed herself so hard headed for the door first, head down had not engaged in conversation with anyone. As she passed I said "Hey, good work! I saw you going for it!" She just stopped. "Really? I don't think I do very well. I need to lose about 50 pounds." HELLLOOOOO! Opened door, here I come! I got to chat just a little bit with her, give her some encouragement. Yep, that's why I got that cert. That's what I was made for. I got it.

I'm so glad I didn't run off in fear. I'm so glad I didn't give up when my audition went crappy. The truth of the matter is this field of teaching classes is hard and the pay is minimal. People have such different personalities and styles you can't please everyone. And if you don't own your style and try to be other people it won't go well. Someone will always think you're fat. Someone will tell you "no". But if you do it for the love. And you do your best, someones life can change. So that's why you get on and keep riding.

No Fat Talk Week

2010-10-25T13:57:00.000-07:00

Last week I agreed to participate in No Fat Talk Week. It was started on college campuses and was meant to stop women from bashing themselves and each other. It morphed into a news event and something I challenged myself to do. I am my meanest critic and I fat talk about myself often and I hate that I do it, so I figured I'd sign up.

Wanna know what happened to me during Fat Talk week?

The first day was very challenging. My best friend Maurice complimented me a lot that Monday. Everything in me was screaming "SHUT UP I AM UGLY AND FAT" But instead I said "Oh thank you!" And he kept doing it. I thought maybe he was testing me- but I know in reality he was doing what he normally does but for the first time with no objections. At the end of day one I felt accomplished simply because I took the compliments.

Day two I ripped the butt out of my jeans. Oh yeah. I totally did. Here's the scene on the jeans. They are an old pair of MUDD jeans and they are juniors size that I got when I first was out of plus sized clothes. They are totally worn out AND about 2 sizes too big. I roll the waistband on those darned jeans. Finally they just laid down and died. Any other week I would have immediately gone for the "OH MY GOD I AM A FAT COW!" But for some reason in this vow I had to tell myself "no really April a friend threatened to burn those jeans 6 months ago. It's not your butt. Those jeans were worn out!"

All week my beloved Trainer was very ill. So ill that he canceled training and the classes he teaches. And I had just come off a weekend of birthdays. One of which was an homemade Asian food extravaganza that I totally refused to pass up. No Fat talk...

Here is the interesting thing. I know how to work out. I train people. I teach exercise classes. In the last two years I've only ever taken an easy week unless I was sick or injured and forced down a day or two. Which is rare. I decided to relax. Oh yes I did! I managed to work out every day when and how I wanted but not super hard and not the usual 2-3 sweat/fat burning fests I am used to. The honest truth- I feel like crap after that week. I am fairly sure I gained a pound or so. BUT I did not feel guilty and I didn't bash myself. Instead it was something that I sat back and thought "hmm that was nice to be 'normal' but I actually love my current regime and not because of the fat talk!"

I'm such a goal focused girl. And because this was a week goal, I did it well. It was a struggle and it was rethinking my thoughts in a mind game but I was capable of it. I was so much kinder to myself this past week. I felt loved- by ME! Which I gotta say is not such a common thing.

On being single and loving it

2010-10-17T20:38:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl my friend Joni and I would sit for hours and play Barbies. Her Barbie was married to Ken, had tons of babies and lived in a nice suburban home with a fancy oven. My Barbie drove the corvette and told Joni's Barbie she couldn't because it was not practical for all the babies. My Barbie changed her name to April, worked a lot and was "very important" (though I am not sure what she actually did. She did have an office with a view and a pretty painting)

Upon the knowledge of life and careers and family I knew what I wanted. And what I wanted was NOT to get married or have babies. I saw amazing families. I saw very loving parents and happy kids. Hell, I grew up in the midwest. Granted my home was broken, but my Mom and Gram made sure to show me normal loving families. And I always turned and said "that's nice" now watch what I'm gonna do!

I'm in the 30s now. I LOVE kids. I love men. But marrying a man and having kids evokes absolute dread in me. I would be so miserable.

Over the years I have suffered person after person telling me that someday I would change. Did you hear me telling them "someday you'll wish you hadn't gotten married?!" Did I say "Hey you haven't even known that person a year and you're committing your life to them?" Nope! But me... I was the freak. People wanted to diagnose me. Was it because of my Dad leaving? Was I afraid of men? Did I fear commitment? Was it because of my weight? I was once told I was selfish because I didn't want to do "the most important job" of being a wife and a mother.

I respect marriage and want so badly for people to do it better. I think parents are brave. Here's the thing: I have NEVER had a longing deep inside me to be married. I don't secretly pine for it. My only thing that I think sucks about not being married is that instant person to do stuff with. Like a husband I would force to go to the movies with me on a boring Sunday afternoon. (I know this isn't really marriage!)

I love my life. I love being single! I am not a commitment phobe either. I am committed to many things and people. I am committed to my dreams of a career, to a life that I have been given, to the people who matter most in my world, to my faith. So shut up with that crap about how people who don't want to be married are afraid to commit! I may be different from the life that you have but it doesn't mean there is anything is wrong with me. I so wish people would be more respectful. But for some reason, people are so opinionated about it they don't stop to think they are discrediting my desires, choices, and the happiness of my life in general.

fear, handstands and another trainer story! (oh yeah Bob too!)

2010-10-15T14:41:00.000-07:00

I had a good giggle today. Most of you know how much I love Bob Harper and sadly how if he told me to jump off a bridge, I probably would. I am always curious about what his workout and nutrition look like and today he posted a picture of himself in a handstand. Let me tell you why I am giggling.

A couple of weeks ago at the end of my 10 week power strength cycle of training my personal trainer decided I should do a handstand either in the TRX or on the wall. Here's what came out of my mouth: "No" And "I can't" Also "I don't want to" and finally "Can we just move onto something else." (In case you weren't aware, these statements said to a trainer in a session tend to mean big trouble.)

The battle was epic and time consuming. My trainer Meshi pushed me. I walled myself up. He pushed more. I whined. He continued to push and reverted into being a big baby. I am not proud of this, but it tends to be my style. Finally after many half hearted attempts and a botched scary attempt he said, "We're done" I said "Fine!!!" I began to cry. I hid my tears. I left and walked in the hallway sobbing and scaring a woman walking in the building.

I didn't want to leave. But I didn't want him to see he made me cry. And I didn't want to be crying. I knew he wouldn't follow me. That's not his style. I hated the way it all unfolded.

I calmed myself down and called him a bit later and we talked it out. It wasn't really about the handstand. I mean it was. But it wasn't. It scares me. Oh did he ever call me out on it too! For most of my life in some form or another literally or metaphorically I tend to wall up, whine, shut down, and run crying from the things that scare me. I am sure the number of excess pounds on my body has a lot to do with this damn fear thing.

He said "It would have been different if you would have approached it instead of 'NO' and 'can't' with 'how can I get there, even only halfway there?' You didn't even want to try." And this is true. I didn't want to try. Why? Fear? yes. But what am I scared of? Getting hurt? Well, maybe but not really. Losing control? yes. Failing? yep. More? I guess we'll have to keep looking at that one.

I love my trainer so much. I trust him so deeply and I sadly had looking at him during that and said "I don't trust you." Which was actually the furthest thing from the truth. I think I thought if I said something like that he'd just leave me alone. I am so lucky to have someone who is patient and kind and sees a lot of transformation potential in me. He really did deserve much more respect from me than I gave him. So I decided if we were to do it again, I would not behave badly. Last week we did assisted TRX handstand presses. And honestly his excitement for the victory was worth me putting my own fears aside.

Seeing Bob do this made me go "oh okay!!!" So now I gotta get this handstand thing down. And watch fear run away crying.

Remember

2010-10-14T09:24:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xu8_8TJC9E8

I love this scene from American Beauty. Thought of it this morning on my way to work from working out. So much beauty in the world...

Binge Battles

2010-10-11T16:45:00.000-07:00

I am a binge eater. I need to admit this though my last binge (before last week) was 9 months ago. It's my alcoholism. My crack habit. We all have our coping skills, this one sadly is mine. It is the place I always revert back to when I come to the end of myself.

So last week was a very rough week. A lot of "growth opportunities" that humbled me, hurt me, broke my heart, caused me to re-examine myself. They just seemed to keep coming at me and I was trying my best to handle all of them. I found myself alone fumbling through. I could have reached out. But I didn't.

I drove to the store and got a bulk bag full of the cheapest candy I actually hate. Because that's what I do when I binge. I never eat anything that I like- that would be rewarding and I subconsciously want to hurt and punish myself. And I ate. And ate. And felt full and sick. But I kept eating- filling that place in my throat where the lump of sadness was. Replacing the sensation of my feelings with the numbness of a sugar coma. I got rid of the bag at a trash can away from my house nonchalantly. I walked in, laid on the couch, cried and passed out.

I've talked about these low points on here before. This one was less disgusting than some I've had. And these days the frequency comes so much less. I didn't beat myself up about it like I have in the past, which is good. I just got up, went on with my scheduled workout and planned meal that evening. I told myself "moment by moment".

I know it sounds really odd but these are breaking points I've learned to see with kindness. Not that I am at all hoping for them or condoning them. I just know, this is my emotional state saying "ENOUGH! Deal with this!" And so I sat down with my old cheat journal from my beginning days. I was thankful for the moment knowing I will never "arrive". I will never be able to be completely off guard in this battle with my weight. I went to the old questions: what happened before I ate? What did I eat? How did I feel physically and emotionally while I was eating? How did I feel physically and emotionally after? What can I do in the future to prevent it? And then I went on...

Haunted Maize fun!

2010-10-11T16:31:00.000-07:00

So you know those people who cackle loudly and hysterically when they are scared? That would be me. All the way through the Haunted Corn Maize on Sauvie Island with my friends. It was SO fun. Total maize in a cornfield. Complete with zombies, gouls, serial killers, etc. Freddie Krueger even made fun of my laugh as he was breathing down my neck!

True to Oregon it poured rain so it was completely grossly slippery and muddy but made for a jolly good time!

October before and after (gun show)

2010-10-03T15:50:00.000-07:00

Shockingly I had no before pictures of me flexing my arm... ha ha ha!!!!
You get a side look at my arm. And a funny face!

This pic was difficult to post. I'm not that type of person to be in my sports bra and unmakeup-ed having pics taken of me flexing. However I just finished up 10 weeks of my power restistance training and I worked HARD for these muscles. May as well show the world eh?!

Sunday

2010-09-26T17:38:00.000-07:00

I apologize for my absence again here. It seems I've run into a bout of being unemployed and having a prehistoric computer that at any moment will die a fiery death. But alas, I was thinking of you today.

Ahhh at the gym, my sanctuary. Most days during the week I have training or a class but regular gym days are special. I've hated Sundays for some time. Mostly because to me they feel lonely and depressed. And it was my day off working out which inevitably made me eve more funky. But today the treadmill and I had a date and running it out I thought about a lot of things.

I thought about this time in my life. Thought about the powerlessness of being unemployed. Our culture identifies us by what we do. About the self esteem involved in continuously applying for jobs that either after a look over discard you or maybe invite you in to see more of you only to decide you're just not "the one" Granted my roommate is quick to remind me that I am actually "underemployed" because I have a small part time gig and some fitness teaching gigs. But they aren't enough to pay the rent so I'm a woman with a mission.

Anyway, back to it. I was thinking of this blog and the whole title of it about finding little bits of joy. And I confess to you that almost every day there is a small breakdown of some sort. And sometimes I forget there is even any joy at all. which is completely dumb because there is joy to be experienced all around me.

I'm making a point to focus on the happy. And I've learned that sometimes happy and joy need to be searched out like some rare butterfly. I'm okay with the searching. I wonder if I could put that on my resume?!

Getting out of my own way.

2010-09-10T17:42:00.000-07:00

Today I went to a job interview for the Zumba position that made me fight to get my Zumba cert in the month of April. I had learned of a program in the schools working predominantly but not only with low income families adding physical fitness to their options. The program hopes to reclaim the schools as a place of community not just for kids during the school days. It doesn't charge for the classes, some that show up wouldn't be able to pay for it any way. When I knew there was an option to teach this type of population, I knew I had to get my cert. So today I drove to the school in the morning hours watching parents walk their kids, seeing the classrooms and just knowing I wanted to teach that class even if they couldn't pay me a dime.

I've known for a long time that I was made for this. I've known the culmination of all life lessons has brought me to this point of wanting to help people get fit, healthy and feeling good about themselves. You may laugh at the idea of a personal trainer but in reality a good trainer does so much more than get someone to lose weight, they change lives. They believe in you more than you believe in yourself. They see potential in you and call it forth. They push you past what you know your limits to be. And at the end of it, they are cheering louder than your own Mother because they have invested in you just as much as you have.

This summer I wasn't ready. I knew it. I wasn't being scared and wimpy. I just knew there were some things in me that needed to be dealt with- and if I didn't, I never would. And my trainer Meshi simply said with confidence "I'm not worried. It'll just come to a moment when you know there is nothing else and no other option because you HAVE to do it. And then you will. It may take time, but you will"

So there I was, leaving that interview and something inside me was like "this is it." Talk about giving even more pressure to the job search. I have certifications I need to invest in! :)

This whole time, this whole journey... it's so amazing. Because of these moments I treasure things more. Knowing there is a struggle to get there- whether its in myself, against odds, with finances- makes the end result so much more valuable. But today was pretty cool because I know there isn't anything left in me keeping me from my dream. Now I just gotta get there.

"Don't you know who I am?!"

2010-09-09T20:01:00.001-07:00

Oh yeah, we are in a recession. And I live in a city where times are even worse. In Portland our unemployment rate continues to be one of the worst in the nation. And I happen to be one of them. Until recently I watched tv seeing the depressing statistics and not completely relating because it wasn't personal yet. Now it's personal.

This past week I walked a dog/scooped it's poop, cleaned and did laundry for others to earn my living. A living that won't make the ends meet. As I working up a sweat on my brow I bitterly thought back to that $125,000 private school education I have. One I'm still trying to pay off. I thought about how since I've lived in Portland I have not had a job that utilizes any of those skills. I thought: No one here knows what I am capable of. Did they know I directed clinics for the state of Iowa? I ran therapy and support groups for terminally ill ALS patients, and for mentally ill children. I directed a summer camp for the MDA. I planned major events for thousands. I taught classes at the largest growing Lutheran Church in the nation. I spoke in front of thousands of people. Just last week I got a message from a student in one of the classes I taught reminding ME of something I taught her 5 years ago.

And you know what? All that stuff... it was what I did. Not who I was/am. I mean yes there are bits and pieces of me in that. You can't be fully alive and present without some of who you are rubbing off on what you do. But to say "Do you know who I am?" And then list off all those things... isn't really who I am at all.

I will not lie to you and tell you this time in my life isn't the most humbling. I won't sugar coat it more than it needs to be. It's stressful. But before I left to take that summer gig I knew would end in September Nannying the most wonderful child in the world, I was working a job I hated with a passion. I was stressed so much that I could feel my body tightening, my heart beating fast, my self dying. If I knew anything about who I am, it was that I wasn't any part of me when I was there no matter the security of the meager paycheck.

I sit before you a girl with so many dreams and so much unction. And for some reason right now they have to just be dreams because my reality is I am fortunate to be able to scoop poop, walk the dog, fold someone's laundry while plugging away for a job day after day. My reality is the money has to go to rent and bills not personal training certifications and TRX trainings. But this isn't forever. And this part isn't who I am either.

You know what is really funny? While I was doing all those "amazing" things. I didn't really know who I was. Not that I do completely now either. But I have a better idea. It has nothing to do with how much my degree costs. Or how many fantastic jobs I had. Or how many crappy ones. It has to do with a person who loves. And laughs (okay, lets be honest, it's a cackle. A loud belly explosion) A person who brings light even when she's scooping poop. That's who I hope I am to others when I ask "Don't you know who I am?!"

Summer has left it's mark... part 1

2010-09-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

Well this summer was pretty monumental for me in some seemingly subtle but in the long run- big ways. I'll share a bit in the next few posts. Here's my first:

Self esteem. Yes yes I've moaned and groaned on here for what feels like centuries on this one. And here is what happened. I got my results for the last 8 months. I had been packing on muscle with TRX training and but was dissatisfied that I had only lost 9 pounds and 9 inches. My trainer was visibly annoyed with me (he never gets mad) and was like "look, you need to realize that until you celebrate the little victories in this, you're never going to be happy" And then, I had a dream. I dreamt I was on the TRX resistance trainer high up over a big vat. My trainer Meshi would pull a lever which would work me out and my sweat would pour off me into the vat. He then would sift the salt and was selling it to Europe as an imported delicacy.

When I woke up my first thought was that I was crazy. But then I thought a little more about it. Meshi finds value in my hard work. He's poured hours into me. He's pushed me. He's believed in me. I'm the one working out so hard. Why aren't I seeing the value? That horrible moment changed my perspective. It's been a while since that happened and it's stuck with me. I'm sorry that it took me realizing how valuable my work is to another before I got it for myself. But wise Meshi has said to me "Sometimes it doesn't matter how you get there, it matters that you get there!"

So now here I am. I have not hit my goal on the scale. I still have fat I want to work off. But I'm strong. And I'm athletic. And I can DO things. I have endurance. I can cycle for miles! I can run for miles! I can lift. I can do TRX Atomic push-ups like nobodies business. And just two years ago, I'd get out of breath walking across the room. Take that!!!! ha ha.

This combined with my Zumba family's encouragement and the way that life feels when you MOVE. Self esteem is in full force. Yes I still have "I feel fat and ugly days" I won't lie to you. But this girl is gonna look for the victory.

beachy August comparison

2010-08-10T22:22:00.000-07:00

2008

2009

2010

mind game process

2010-08-09T09:27:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about my thoughts and my focus a lot lately. Mostly because I realize that I'm playing a pretty intense mind game right now. When I get so caught up in my fitness goals for example I often forget to enjoy how far I've come. I get so worked up about what I haven't accomplished that I cannot even enjoy what I have. I get so afraid about what is about to happen in the future that I miss the moments now. This is the blessing and curse of being a goal driven personality. Actually I don't think I should blame it on that. I think I need more balance.

Someone reminded me lately that the focus isn't to always be in the best places of my life. Because duh, we need the hard parts to grow and change. We need to see and know what we don't want in order to know more about what we DO. But the point is to start to be able to realize when we have allowed our thoughts to stray us from being content no matter what and get rid of those thoughts.

I say this like it's easy. It's not and it forces self awareness that honestly sometimes I don't want. But if I actually want to be a thriving enlightened woman, it's necessary.

So this is my process these days. I focus my thoughts towards being here now and enjoying what happens. And not letting anything- fear of the future, wounds of the past, self criticism take me out of that place. I'll let you know how it goes!

Beach!!!

2010-08-08T00:17:00.000-07:00

It's insane that I live so close to the Ocean yet don't go very often. Then again Oregon coast equals cold and rain. Today was no exception. But I got to go with my gurlies and have some fun! I think you'll be amused!

I was amazed by the sound of the Sea Lions in Astoria after we went to the Goonie House. So... I may have crossed a line to get to them. tisk tisk.

While in the hat shop I did a riveting impersonation of Michael Jackson.

And of course there HAD to be some Merry Go Rounding at Seaside!

We went to the Astoria Column. I didn't realize it was a rounded staircase with steps you could see through to the bottom. Sadly I wimped out. I hate heights. But we had fun outside too!

Really, we are just cool. I mean come on.

Sometimes you just gotta be sassy!

Honestly the most hysterical part was when we rented the Surrey for a bike ride. Mind you, I am a spin instructor. I ride at least 60 miles a week. Three of the 6 of us are avid bikers and ride in bike events all over the coast. We met at the gym and all of us work out tons. And yet this task was unbelievable. We were moaning and groaning and sweating. People were laughing at us. It was ugly. (And really funny.)

summer/jobs/choices

2010-07-28T14:11:00.001-07:00

Well it's almost August and summer is winding down for me. I have a little over a month left before I'm unemployed. Living in a city like Portland where unemployment is high, this makes me feel terrified if you want me to be honest.

Do I regret this place I am in? Absolutely not. I know the old job I was working for was killing me slowly. I remember being so tired and drained. I remember not having any compassion for others or myself because I was so burned out. I remember the endless fight to try to make my job into anything good. I remember the odd stories that didn't make sense, the cuts, the "lost" money... And I remember the day when I realized that if I didn't get out of there, anything left that was good in me could be buried under the junk.

Holden is a kid I adore. He brings such joy to my days and his family is amazing. It's been three summers now and I just couldn't tell them no. So I find life seems to be "seasonal" in it's employment. I love having a hand in shaping his character. And I see my mark in many ways on the boy he has become. I'm lucky at this age he still trusts and likes me. I ride the roller coaster of his "I'm old now and too cool" alternating with the "Pay attention to me! Be near me! I need you!" I'm kinda like this sometimes myself.

I still have absolutely no interest in getting married or having kids. Even after the joy of Holden. But I sure do love pouring into a kid. I sure do love what I do for a living now.

I've had many people shake their heads at me for these decisions. I mean I did leave a guarenteed job for one that was only 3 months long. For the practical person... this is pure stupidity. But my heart... it is full. And one boy, has a more positive impact and love in his world. And for me and who I am... I think thats best.

I'll always be a big kid (just a smaller sized big kid. ha!)

2010-07-26T22:39:00.001-07:00

Hmmm 2008 verses this month 2010... It's good to see that things have changed.
I probably have a million pictures of me riding these over the years. I'll probably take a million more. I cannot get over my waist in the duckie picture. His little painted expression truly says it all! ha ha ha!

strength

2010-07-26T13:51:00.001-07:00

Well last week was one hellova week. There is really no other way to put it. It was not good. Not good at all. I literally found myself in fetal position weeping. One day I comforted myself with a nap, Sesame Street and a huge bowl of kids cereal. Emotionally I just had enough. There was conflict and people lashing out and people stressed out and people seriously sick and people needing and people leaving. I don't think anyone knows all the things that took place besides me. Not that they need to.

And there I was. And I had a choice on how to react. I have quite a file full of possible reactions from me. But I'm not the girl who runs away any more. I'm not the girl who shrinks in fear. I'm not the girl with no self worth any more. So some of those reactions don't measure up to my best. Interestingly enough I found this terrible week being a place that pushed me up against a wall and brought out my best. I guess that old quote about how a woman is like a teabag and you have to put her in hot water to find out how strong she is still stands. The funniest part- I'm the one who needed to know this. No one else. Just me.

I guess thats how life moves.

lately

2010-07-17T23:46:00.000-07:00

Summer, please stop slipping away from me! It's been so wonderful so far! I've had my favorite kid Holden, worked hard with Meshi in training, am teaching 2 Zumba classes and subbing for Circuit Training classes! And I even have more fun pics to share!

I was wowed by the amazing Cirque Kooza show and for a brief moment wanted to get over my height anxiety to walk the tight rope (have since come to my senses!)

This is my roommie Kathleen. We went to the Waterfront for July 4th and sat and watched Portland's best fashion faux pas at the Blues Festival. We had the best seats along the Willamette for the fireworks and got squashed on the MAX riding home. It was a BLAST!

My girlies and I went berry picking at Sauvie Island!

We threw a surprise party for my dear friend Mariemma and danced in the streets.

While teaching a class my car got broken into (okay this part sucked a bit) Kathleen was very kind and helped me clean out all the glass and cut ourselves and made the horrid experience kinda fun.

And of course, attended the Eclipse midnight showing with my twihard friends! =)

Before and After- Twilight style!

2010-07-13T20:59:00.000-07:00

Um yeah so this is me Nov 20, 2009 and June 30, 2010. I will tell you the shirt was tighter in Nov but I stretched it out a bit. This time frame comparrison I've worked on toning up my body with my trainer. I've expanded my athletic abilities and my endurance. I've also got some guns! My scale has budged in minor ways but my body fat has decreased and I feel better in my own skin. I think I have better hair too! hee hee. Nothing major that can be marked in photos BUT I'm still losing and still toning. I'm close to the goal (already hit my original but once I got there, wanted more!) and having fun!

matters of the heart

2010-07-13T12:41:00.001-07:00

For years I clutched onto my heart in fear. Generally speaking this is what happens when one's beginnings are those of abandonment, disgrace, poverty, ridicule and struggle. Life is hard. We learn to deal as best we can. Survival is part of our makeup and we learn to define who we are and how we will navigate it all.

I remember sitting in therapy sessions with an ache so deep it wasn't even rooted within me. I felt like it went right through me. I never could trust. Never could attach. Throughout my life I've had so many people tell me that there was just a point I was willing to go and then I grew cold. I hated myself for that and had no real understanding of myself to convey that it was fear of being hurt that was causing my behaviors. It was a history that was my own and went back for generations of those who raised me, relaying those hurts and memories thinking they were protecting me.

A few years ago I stopped letting fear rule my life. I say that sentence like it was so easy. Ha! It was all out war! And it almost killed me. I'm not joking when I say there were times I was paralysed in fetal position crying during that battle. It was an ugly time.

Oh it raises up it's ugly head still but after a few victories, the battle is much less daunting.

I stood on outside on the street today looking someone in the eye. Realizing that I trusted them more than maybe I trust myself sometimes. Realizing that I have given them absolute authority in my life. They could crush my heart and in deeper ways than a lover because I've allowed them to embody all things- parent, sibling, guide, lover, friend. And I was not carrying any fear in that. Was not clutching my heart but letting it be there freely in the middle of it all. Not because I felt so confident in them or in myself to not screw it all up. But because my heart has roots now and I understand it's potential to grow.

Instead of that being terrifying, it's liberating.

Posture/ carrying weight of the former me

2010-07-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

Oh man. Don't you hate when you SEE something in yourself that you don't like? Something someone's gently been trying to tell you. And then you have that moment and you see it for all it is?!

For some time now my trainer Meshi has been harping on me about my posture. I have a tendency to stick my belly out, curling my back and shoulders. It's unflattering, its not healthy and the bigger concern, a reflection of my self esteem. Usually 5 or 6 times a week I hear about this. I sass back.

We've talked about it. My whole life I carried my huge belly. My posture is of a fat girl. Meshi counters back "But you aren't a fat girl any more!"

And yesterday I saw a picture of myself standing the way he described and I wanted to cry. Yes, it made me look fatter than I am. Yes it's horribly unflattering. But the thing that made me cry was that I realized the posture he was talking about and felt my own heart inside. Actually that day I felt good about myself. I was teaching Zumba and loved the people I was with. I was happy. But if you were to take an overall poll of how I feel about my appearance, the percentage would be low. I hate that. I hate the struggle. I've been thinking about it and trying so hard. But some battles are epic and they take time and other people sit by watching shaking their head wondering why it's such a big deal. This is my big deal.

Meshi is super patient with me. He continues to correct in such a gentle way. He is patient. He says "We work on this little by little until we get there." Words cannot express how grateful I am for this man.

I'm putting this wretched picture here. Mostly for a reminder to myself. I carry this woman that I no longer am in this picture. My waist used to be about 55 inches around. Now it's about 33. (not that you'd be able to tell by the way I'm standing here!) I hope in a bit I can stand up prouder. I hope I can let go of this girl I was and embrace the one I am. Good thing I have a great ally reminding me.

oh no, I'm writing about body image AGAIN.

2010-07-07T09:27:00.000-07:00

I just finished a metabolism push over a few days. I wanted to shock my system and see if I had plateaued. It was hard to tell because my scale wasn't moving. But I had been doing so much strength training that I had gained muscle weight but seemed to shrink sizes. So the push caused 6 pounds to drop and for me to feel ravenous for food.

The odd thing, those 6 pounds didn't feel that good to me. I don't actually know why. But I've been thinking about it.

What felt good was being at Zumba and having a friend not recognize me and having the instructor say "I haven't seen you in a while but you just keep getting smaller"

Here's the thing. I looked at myself in the mirror at someone else's house yesterday and the image was distorted. I looked wide. Then I saw my reflection in the other mirror and I stood there looking back and forth from the two wondering if I knew which image was correct. Then I started thinking "A normal person would not be doing this." So I came upstairs and sat down to read US weekly gossip crap magazine. There was an article about Jessica Simpson and the extremes she has gone to to be thin. Again. And I sat there thinking... I haven't gained weight (besides muscle) in 2 years. I keep shrinking out of all my clothes, keep pushing towards being thinner. And I'm kinda tired of it.

You're not supposed to say that. Especially if you want to inspire other people. But it's the truth. I'm tired. Ok let me clarify, I like...no, I LOVE working out. Not cause it's easy but because I have learned to surround myself with people I enjoy learning from and with; and types of exercise I enjoy and am good at. I like what I eat because It makes my body feel good and perform at it's best. I don't like this constant push in my head to keep losing. I guess I didn't realize that I had just kept on my journey without being overly stressed about the results and then this push made me aware of it and it felt kinda icky. And then reading about sweet Jessica Simpson and her struggles... Do you know why I think I haven't gained weight over the last 2 years? 1) I have support. 2) I got emotionally clean. I'm not perfect. I still slip but I know my junk and I know my buttons. And I am aware of the binge and emotional eating problems I gravitate towards and I fight it.

I wondered why I was so worried about the weight loss. Meshi has been pushing me for so long to just be able to be like "this right now, it's enough" Maurice longs for be to just be able to love myself and my body. And yet I look in the mirror and even though I've gone from a size 26/28 to a size 10 it doesn't seem thin enough. Especially if I want to be a Personal Trainer. But it is enough. I am crazy athletic. I have serious endurance. I teach classes. I am good at my training regime. This battle, it's me against me. It's my perception. No one is telling me I look fat or ugly. Quite the contrary. So I share with you my journey of loving me more. Stay tuned...

ponderings of a rainy July morning

2010-07-02T09:09:00.000-07:00

It's July. How did it get to be July already?! Good grief! Half of the year is over. I just went back and looked at the list I made for the new year. I am doing really good on meeting my goals. Well except for the road rage part. I yelled at someone this morning. Sigh.

Holden is still sleeping and I am sitting here looking out at the rain thinking. I listened to an old John Mayer cd this morning on my way here from the gym. It used to be an anthem for my dis grunted restless life. I don't feel restless. I feel settled. Not in the sense of settling for second best. But settled in the sense I am who I should be and where I should be. It was so weird to listen to that cd and remember how I used to feel and feel the contentment of now. It sure did take me a while.

I am realizing my age. Ugh, I hate to say that. But I'm gonna be honest. I have this friend who is a retired Aerobics instructor and we take a lot of the same classes. She is well into her 60s and she is one of the gutsiest, strongest (physically and emotionally) people I know. And we were talking about getting older. I was telling her about how I went to the Eclipse midnight premier and how it seems to have taken forever for me to recover. She laughed and told me to wait till I only need just a few hours of sleep a night and then get up to have my prune juice before I complain too much. HA!

I was thinking about my faith today. About how I feel about church. How it seems like an entity that has hurt me, helped me heal, hurt me, helped me heal, hurt me.... hurt people i love, shows me glimpses of good. Then hurts again. God doesn't do that. But the body certainly has. I don't know where I stand. My roommate Kathleen is wise in these areas. People think they have to step up and explain it all and try to strong arm you but what I need is a good listener and someone to show me love in the midst of this all. My faith in God hasn't changed. I know who He is. I don't question His love. But the church part. I think it's gonna be a while.

My Meshi/Mariemma/Melanye less month has gone by less painfully than I thought. But I am realizing how type A I am and how I need structure and how having these rocks in my fitness life have been very important. I've had some joyful times trying out different things though. I am happy. I have not fallen off the wagon or gotten out of shape. I made some new connections. I've loved my body well. Even with that birthday feast. oof I can still feel that food hangover memory now. ugh.

With Meshi gone, I had the honor of teaching his Circuit class. I will have to confess the one and only area that I am sad for his return is giving this class back to him. I love teaching it. The group is amazing and they were so open to anything new I threw at them. They worked so hard. They would be all sweaty and pushing through hard parts of the workout and I almost burst with joy. It's the best thing ever. ever. ever! I guess it's good to know you are doing the right things!

This month marks my teaching Zumba at the Pacific Dance Academy. I am intimidated by this gig but it'll be fun. I also am teaching a 2 time a month beginners class. And I just got my Spin cert and am ready to audition for that. There is so much work to be done. I don't think people realize how much prep work goes into teaching these classes if you want to do them well. I am workin it!!!

Anyway its nearing the 4th. I hope you are up to something fun. I am going to rest a little, dance a little, go to the Blues Festival on the waterfront with my roomie and have a jolly good time. Enjoy!

Birthday!

2010-06-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

Ahhh what a lovely birthday! I ate too much good food, laughed so hard my neck still had a couple of red marks, have the most delightful time with friends. It was a light and easy celebration. The perfect start to the year. Sadly I had to leave first (WHO leaves their own bday soiree first?!) because I needed to leave to drive to Kent Washington which is three hours away to get my Spin Certification the next day. But it was a fabulous birthday weekend!!!

The girls surprised me with a Zumba logo on my Fat Elvis cake. Yep I said Fat Elvis. Its vegan cake from my favorite bakery called Sweet Pea. It's banana cake with peanutbutter frosting and fudge top. SO GOOD! SO RICH! I had a food hangover the next day from that and the veggie pizza I ate. Oh there were other things- all healthy options but still, I had so much it kinda negated the purpose!!! ha

Here is part of the cute crew. Sadly we're missing Stella and Scotty.
Here's Ally, Sue, Diana, Moi, Arlene and Dominique

34

2010-06-25T23:55:00.000-07:00

Well it's just a few minutes till my west coast time birthday! I have friends in all the different time zones wishing me a happy day so it was fun.

I cannot believe a year has passed. I just looked back at last year's birthday goals and then thought about the year that unfolded. I'm happy to say I made several of those goals. Life took some serious twists and turns for the best this last year. Who knew?!

Today I spent time with Holden. Since it was the anniversary of Michael Jackson's death we decided to go to the MJ Laser Light show and just chill for the day. This afternoon I spent time on the waterfront quietly being lulled by sounds of the water and the distant rush hour traffic on the freeway with an occasional ding of bikes on the pathway. I witnessed a boy chasing pigeons and a training session that made me miss mine, a homeless man putting a hat on a statue, a girl flirting with her kayaking date and a tantrum from a sassy little girl. I like when you're open to witnessing life around you, how much you can take it!

I had been encouraged to take a dance class from Meshi's counterpart named Winky but it always is on Friday evenings when I train with him. And it's free flowy expressive dancey stuff that I honestly don't always feel so comfortable in my own body to do it. But I decided I would. It took everything in me to get there. But one of my goals had been to do more things that make me uncomfortable/outside my normal realm. So this was it. I was brave. And it was an amazing time that stretched me and probably grew my self confidence. And I don't think I was that bad of a dancer! hee hee!

So without further ado, here is my list for the year:

1) Live by love.
2) Continue my weight loss/fitness journey. Nope, still not there yet.
3) Maintain good hair. Hee hee! Last year my goal was to get good hair. And for me, this hair is ahhhhmazing. So I want to keep it like this!
4) Expand my capabilities as a teacher. I teach Zumba, Strength Training and soon Spin. I want to be a GREAT teacher. I have a ways to go!
5) Take a Bob Harper Spin class at Crunch LA. For years my goal was to meet him. I did! I want to take this class!
6) Finish things well
7) Run better and actually do an organized run. Good grief, what's my problem!?
8) Write a book and some freelance articles
9) Be even more nutritious about my food choices
10) Go to Indiana to see my Mom. She hasn't seen me in almost 2 years. Air prices prevented us from spending the holidays together. I really want to see her. Heck, she's never seen me not a plus size!
11) Inspire greatness in others
12) learn to manage my stress and fear better. These emotions tend to send me in a tizzy most.
13) Get my nose pierced
14) Get a tattoo
15) Teach Spin at 24 hour fitness
16) Give Maurice a break sometimes. This dude is my BFF. He takes a lot of hits in my moods and self esteem battles. He loves me so well. I don't actually know why. But it's mutual and I love him too.
17) Get my complexion clear. You have no idea how my face has failed me. But it's improving. Who is a pizza face in their 30s. Come on now! =(
18) Go to the beach more. Can someone please tell me why it is that I live just a little over an hour from the Ocean and I hardly ever go.
19) Embrace my personality. I've put this one on here before. And I am doing better. But I want to really do this one. I am high strung, self centered, demanding at times, hard to handle, passionate, intense, fiercely loyal, needy, deeply emotional, overly affectionate/generous and magnetic to most. I'm not an easy person to be close to. I know this. I exhaust myself sometimes. But most will say they've never had an April and I promise if you can handle me, you won't regret it.
20) Be more adventuresome and open to new things
21) I no longer want a dog. I think I want a Beta. Fish seem easier. But then the death thing...
22) Somehow resurrect letter writing for this generation. Real mail always is a rush. I think I'm one of the last people of my generation to send out letters frequently.
23) Organize
24) Get a new computer. This one is barely breathing!
25) Come to an even deeper place of emotional health
26) Be less bratty to Meshi in training
27) REALLY sculpt this remaining frustration of my body I have. Abs, Arms, inner thighs.
28) Become a really really great trainer/life changer
29) Learn more about other cultures and faiths.
30) Win the battle against the evil squirrel who bullies me.
31) Not worry about September when it is only June.
32) Dance more
33) Relax more
34) Did I mention this one already? Love more!

Food temptation

2010-06-01T20:48:00.000-07:00

So I am house/dog sitting. In another city a drive from Portland.

Every time I dog sit a new dog I think about a counseling session I had once. The therapist sucked. She only wanted to talk about my Mother (which granted should be discussed) but I had other things... drinking, abandonment, self hatred right there at the surface. I got roped into dog sitting. And she said "This will be so good for you! A dog is a symbol of unconditional love! A dog is always happy when you come home! You will get a picture of your value and worth!" Do you know what? The dog HATED me. For an entire week it would hide and growl. It ran when I came in. It pooped and peed in protest everywhere. The dog was satan!

Tonight I came to the house and the dog is currently hiding from me. Granted this dog is sweet and shy and every so often lets me pet it. But I am thinking of this and laughing a little.

The dog is scared of me. But I have my own fears.

You see, I am a food control freak. I buy only enough for the two weeks. Down to a famine. I only take enough food for my meals and snacks. I don't buy anything that holds temptation unless I really have decided I'm gonna go there. I'm a binger after all. Food calls out to me from the cabinets.

This house... it has 2 freezers and an entire food room right outside my bedroom. This on top of the well stocked fridge and pantry in the kitchen. I've never seen this much food except in a grocery. These people are healthy. I met them at the gym. But they have a lot of junk food mixed with the good stuff. And I literally wanted to cry with terror.

I HATE this struggle I have with food. And honestly unless you're a binger you don't understand the power it can have. The animalisticness of it. The irrational thought. The addiction. I've literally felt like I've blacked out eating before and come to with wrappers and not a lot of recollection of what I've eaten. And the loathing that comes from facing your own weakness in these moments. Dear God, it's so miserable.

So here I am. In food temptation island for 10 days. I'm gonna do my best. I'm pretending it's a biggest loser challenge.
Either way, I'm still on my journey. I may have a day where I screw it up. I may not. I'm not going to be pompous and say I won't. Simply because I think it's best to never get too confident in an area that is an addiction. But I know what I'm made of. And I know the path I'm on. I got this.

May befores and nows

2010-05-31T23:25:00.001-07:00

LOL! I have 30 minutes left in May!!! I will show you my before and afters. I have a friend who will remain nameless who recently said "HEY! Where are the before and afters!?!" So if nothing else, this one's for her!
May 2007

Last May 2009

Me now! Not too shabby!

I haven't dropped much in weight recently. But have been working super hard to tone up and be more athletic. Meshi continues to creatively think of new ways to challenge me and push me to a new place athletically. It's FUN!

PS I can't get over the size of my arm in the first one.

PPS Did you ever notice I try to have something in common in all my comparrison pics? This one was sparkly writing on my shirt. ha ha. Last month I had something in my had. The time before that was my expression. I am a total dork. But you like me anyway!

June is coming!!!! Fitness goals.

2010-05-31T12:10:00.000-07:00

June is coming! Oh my goodness it is tomorrow! I don't even know what to think about it all. This month a lot of things will change for me!

It's my birthday month. I will be... I cannot believe I am actually admitting this- 34. I guess since a lot of the time I act like I am 5 I shouldn't be too concerned about how I will be perceived from that number. But I do know that when I was a kid I thought that number was senior citizenville. eek.

June 11 is my last day at my job. I hope hope hope that after the summer Nannying Holden that I will be certified as a personal trainer and can find a niche in this beautiful fitness world. Sadly at my current job I have not been able to afford to get the certs but I am diligent that I will get them!!!!

June also holds a challenge in this. My trainer Meshi is on vacation (my poor poor heart!). So training is my own thing for 4 whole weeks. Mariemma my zumba mentor is on vacation. Melanye my strength training teacher, friend and overall mentor is having a baby and takes off in June as well. Holy cow! All my wise support and teachers are setting sail. It's like when I first started my weight loss journey and only had my imaginary trainer Bob to get me going. I think I did pretty darned well. I can do it again!!!! So I've been setting goals for the month. Do you want to know what they are?
A marathon spin bike race a la Biggest Loser
Running
Rock Climbing
Swimming
hiking
Weight training
At least one class outside of my comfort zone- boxing, martial arts, pole dancing etc...
I don't know if its possible due to my size now and muscle mass but I'd like to drop 10 pounds with a deadline goal of July 5. We shall seeeee! Don't worry, You'll hear all about it! ;)
Wish me well!
(I woulda said luck but am inspired by a recent conversation I had. I was leaving the gym getting ready to teach and I said to a group of friends "wish me luck!" My friend Patria said "Why are you askin for luck?! Look at your life! You got this girl!" I loved that. She's right. No luck needed!)

The joys of teaching Zumba for Newbies!

2010-05-31T11:56:00.000-07:00

OK! So you know by now that I have a love affair with Zumba. While it's not my most favorite way to exercise (training is) It ranks up there super high. I am honored to be an instructor and love the whole community that Zumba builds.

I was dancing on Saturday and smiling so big because I realized how great it was to just be able to move. I mean let's be honest, a few years ago walking was serious aerobic exercise in my world. And while I sadly admit I don't LOVE my body the way I want to, shaking my booty at Zumba contributes greatly to me becoming more at home in my own skin.

This past weekend I got the opportunity to teach at Zumba for Newbies and share my own story of weight loss and getting comfortable with my own body. The class was about 30 and there were older people, out of shape people and people who had never set foot in a class like that looking terrified. These are the ones I love the most! What a great responsibility to help people have fun while getting healthy and hopefully learning to love themselves!
Instructors! Ruth, Laura and I!

Me teaching! ha ha!

my cute class getting their groove on!

Biggest Loser thoughts

2010-05-27T21:29:00.000-07:00

Oh sigh. So much to catch up on! Okay so I want to talk a little bit about the Biggest Loser Challenge day.

Nope I'm not going to yap on about meeting Bob and getting interviewed for the show and all that good stuff. Don't get me wrong, it was amazing. It was a dream come true. But I want to talk about something more important. The people who showed up.

My friends and I got up and met at 4:45am. This was for a WORK OUT that had registration between 7-9am. It rained. It hailed. It was frigid cold. And honestly, most of the people there were very heavy. I'll slap you if you tell me that big people are lazy because most of the skinny butts in PDX were sleeping while this group was down under a bridge waiting to have Bob Harper have them do push ups on a hill in wet poopy grass and then run a mile.

I was "little" in this crowd. I always thought anyone would be able to sniff me out- former heavy girl. But I had to be vocal about my weight loss as if to say "hey, I actually know your journey."

Running a mile. I train 6-7 days a week. I run with my trainer who I practically idolize his fitness. A mile is nothing for me. But at 300 pounds, I never would have even tried. This really upset me to realize this about myself that day and seeing all these amazing people- many with weight upside of 400lbs and more. They were Running, speed walking, rejoicing as they hit the finish. For many it was the first milemarker in their journey to health.

And I cry even now thinking about it. What the world doesn't realize it that heavy people are STRONG- mentally, physically, emotionally. And most of the time when that strength gets channeled in the right way- holy cow WATCH OUT!!!

I met a man named Bruce who was over 600 pounds. He was amazing! I met a girl who's doctor told her at 17 if she didn't get healthy her liver would cause her so many problems that she wouldn't live into her 20s. And another woman who said "I've never done a mile before" with tears streaming down her cheeks. "Never? Not even in gym class?" I asked. "No. Usually in gym everyone would be done and the gym teacher would say 'ok thats good. come on lets get to the next exercise'" I realized I was in the presence of greatness. I realized all around me was swirling hope and change and life.
And I realized I was made for that.

Meshi asked me at training "what did you think about yourself when you were there?" And I answered "nothing" He said "oh come on. You've lost 140 pounds. Didn't you think 'hey look at how fit i am' or revel in your victory?" Honestly? No. I didn't. I only had a surge in knowing that all the things in my life- all of them and especially the hard things had led me to here. And this, this is what I was made for.

Meeting my hero!

2010-05-21T08:16:00.001-07:00

Sigh. I only have a minute and will post much much more. But those of you who read this thing will remember that my goal for years has been to meet Bob Harper. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Here are the pictures to show you. This man, is better in person that I imagined. Sincere, eloquent, kind, encouraging, compassionate. He stops and looks you in the eye and actually listens! I promise I will post more... but here are a few pics!

on being zumbalicious

2010-05-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

YAYYYYYY! Now that I am a certified Zumba Instructor I get to have even more fun! (is that even possible?!)

I was SO scared for my first big teaching moment. Though my friend Satha had let me lead a few numbers at her class, this was the big unveiling as a new Instructor- a 2 hour Zumbathon.

I choreographed my own number to "Milkshake" by Kelis. Maurice had itunes gifted me the song when I decided to get my cert and it seemed appropriate for me- a former fat girl to dance to a song with such confidence. After all, Zumba has played a big role in me feeling much more confident about my body! I also did my favorite teacher Mariemma's number Jai Ho which has some of the cool moves from Slumdog Millionaire.

Our Zumbathon was to benefit Portland Auspergers Network. We raised our goal and then some! It felt good that my first official event was for an organization I respect so much.

Mariemma walked me to the front for my first number and smiled at me like a proud parent the entire time. It was comforting to look in the mirror and see her, some of my friends- including my friend/mentor Melanye who braved her cute pregnant belly fears to support me! Several of the other instructors cheered me on and loved me up when I was done. I love the Zumba world. There is so much love, support and encouragement. I am lucky to be a part of it! I get to teach again at the end of this month at Zumba for Newbies and hope by summer to be teaching a class or two full time. We shall see!!!

Here I am leading "Milkshake" The group did soo well considering it was all brand new. They definately bring all the boyz to the yard!

Here is the crew of new instructors who all taught together. From left: Serena, Maki, Dominique, Brittany, Moi, Mariel. Aren't we cuuuuteee!?!

risking from bud to flower

2010-05-08T14:13:00.000-07:00

Well here is the latest and greatest in my world.

A while ago I realized something. I was happy and I was healthy. But the path I was on wasn't completely allowing me to run full on after my hopes and dreams. Mostly a job that while it was a respectable job with a stellar group of co-workers, left me stressed, exhausted, incredibly grumpy and broke. I had taken it with the idea that I would be able to work there, do my own physical training and get my certs to fully come forward into my dreams of helping other people become WHOLE and healthy. That hadn't happened. And at one point my trainer innocently said to me "this tired grumpy thing is a problem. What are you doing about it?" GULP.

Last month I threw caution to the wind, with the kindness of my roommate, I skipped rent and paid for my Zumba Certification.

Last week I made the decision to quit my job and work with Holden again over the summer. For those of you new to my blog, Holden and I have been together over the summers over the last few years. He is my most favorite kid in the whole wide world. We get each other and have a blast together.

My schedule with Holden will allow for me to pay my bills, work less, and if I am serious, complete my goal to get my certs and start teaching/training *IF* I scrimp and plan well. I think I can do it. It also means in Sept I will be without work. So there is a risk in this. But aren't all the best victories the ones that come from what practical people who don't ever risk anything call "dumb moves"?!

Tonight I will teach Zumba dances at a Zumbathon for a very large group of people. I am incredibly nervous. Zumba has kicked open it's doors for me. I've been able to teach a few numbers and will even be a leader at a Zumba for Newbies class coming up. I have an offer to start teaching soon. I have wimpily cowered a little bit. What if I mess up? What if I forget mid dance. What if I suck? What if.... blah blah blah.

And then wisdom came in the form of my Cosmo magazine. A quote from P!nk. "But at a certain point, I realized. Wait, I'm doing what I want to be doing. I'm not wanting to do it: I'm doing it. And that's awesome!"

I am doing that. I will do that tonight. Me, a girl who ALWAYS loved to dance but was always fat. Me a girl who still isn't completely the typical dancer body. The girl who underneath it all has skin flaps and stretch marks and waivers on her self confidence. Me a girl who really really only wants to see people thrive and realize their potential and be healthy. Perfect fit. Here we gooooooo!

Me, Satha a Zumba leader who has lovingly kicked my butt to step up and has let me teach at her class, Arlene one of the best people at Championing me on and Patria also another Zumba Instructor. PURE SASSSSSSS!

bakery trauma

2010-04-16T23:02:00.001-07:00

I wanted chocolate all week long. Well actually I wanted junk. There are, shall we say "hormonal challenges" which evoke such responses and I blame them whole heartedly. Today I told my friend Amanda I wanted pumpernickel pretzels and coke, cheeseburger and fries and chocolate cake. She looked at me as if I was insane. Don't worry I didn't eat them.

Of course any of those things in moderation and on occasion in the right state of mind would be fine. Tonight apparently was not that night for me.

I went to the grocery for a quick errand. While there I grabbed some bananas for tomorrow's workout and b lined for the bakery. I wanted that chocolate cake. I felt the rise in me. Mind you, it was not one of leisurely enjoying the chocolate cake treat. It was of the "I'm gonna devour that thing!" variety. Maybe even in the parking lot since they put plastic silverware right by the cake pieces they sell.

I grabbed my large slab of cake and headed for the checkout.

But the plan was diverted!

Echoing throughout the store was my most hated sound- some kid crying. Bratty tantrum crying. And it was moving my way. People were looking. And here's what happened.

The kid was maybe 2 years old. Mom looked completely worn out. Mom said loudly "okay we will get this taken care of." She pushed the cart to the donuts and said "okay which one do you want?!" In a moment the kid had chosen the chocolate donut with the candy on top had shoved it in her mouth in about 3 bites and had shut up.

I am not kidding you when I tell you my reaction was me standing there shocked with tears. I walked the piece of cake back to it's rightful spot on the shelf. I don't even know how to react to that scene. Me lecturing the mom on the nutritional value would have gone nowhere. Me as a woman who is not a mother telling her how to parent would have gone nowhere. And I was in a weak moment. This scene was part of how I was raised. And as a kid I played the game too. In part I'd become accustomed to the sugar rush/soothe it had on my body. In another part as a child of a single exhausted mom who worked all the time, when I squawked and she moved on my behalf it made me feel as if maybe she did love me. I could have told that story. I didn't. I got my bananas and baking soda and I left.

I wish I could say I feel victory over the cake. But I know if the glimpse of reality didn't happen so strategically I'd be sitting here with a gut ache from the sugar and a completely different blog post altogether. sigh. I think this is one of the reasons I get so excited and so frustrated about Jamie Oliver helping America's kids get healthy. We've got a long way to go.

April Before and After

2010-04-10T22:48:00.000-07:00

Okay here you go kids. We are at about 138 lost. I've bulked up on strength training gaining 10 pounds of muscle over the last few months so I haven't been losing pounds as much but toning and getting athletically fit.

April 2008. I have to admit I HATE this picture. It's one that you want burned. But it gives a really great profile shot of the belly. Therefore I vulnerably post it here. Besides I love bears

Here I am April 2009. At this point I'd lost 100 pounds and was starting to be happy in my skin.

Finally me now. I confess I hate these sorts of pictures in mirrors or in bathrooms but I didn't have a photographer so... this is what you get! :) not too shabby for a former fat girl.

.

Bliss

2010-04-10T22:11:00.000-07:00

Friday was a hellacious day at work. And all I could do was think the day would soon be over and I would have training. I love having training on days when things have been bad because I have a physical outlet, the guarantee of some happier endorphins and my beloved trainer Meshi. Yes yes I've talked about him many times here but really, when you know the best, you just can't shaddup about them.

So Friday. I had a cold. My nose was trying to kill me off. Meshi checked in and we decided in spite of being sick, I was going to train! YAY! Portland was lovely on Friday. There was sun and puffy clouds and the temp was just right. We ran. Meshi stopped to take a picture of some graffiti that had a silly face and the word "Dummy" by it. And a pretty flower that was growing through the cracks of the sidewalk while I did my tricep dips and we talked about resilience. We did lunge walks across the Morrison Bridge while rushing traffic zoomed by. We enjoyed the view of the Willamette River and talked about how Portland looked pretty. We saw a large sign that said "Smile" on one side and "Laugh" on the other. We obeyed the signs.

We ran past a gaggle of kids Krumping and Meshi was confused if they were really fighting or not. I tried to explain this to him. I think he thought I was crazy. We saw a woman who had an office in a warehouse who opened the garage and sat on display with her computer doing her work. We raced trains and felt alive by the sound of their whistles. I refused to hold my ears. I wanted to be alive and take in every part of the rush.

We ran down to the waterfront and I did my jump ups under a weeping willow all the while being entertained by a duck and a stick that Meshi and I bet is really not a stick at all but the Lochness Monster. At first Meshi didn't see the stick. I said it is because not everyone has eyes to see such creatures. But then he saw it and we realized that we are both special and magic.

I stood doing my "monkey claps" back exercises under the bridge and I looked up seeing a sight just like this latest post secret picture I attached to this blog. And I honestly at that moment felt like life was pure joy. I felt like I wanted to remember these simple things that made me so happy. Like I wanted to live every every moment. I did. I will. I am.

women and beauty

2010-04-09T08:15:00.000-07:00

It's been an interesting week. I stood in my laundry room last night holding up a pair of jeans looking at them thinking "these look so small. How can these fit my huge ass?!" I stood having a mental fight. They fit really well but looking at them in my perspective of myself, they shouldn't. And then I had a text from my friend who snapped me out of it. She said "You're your worst critic! But I want you to know you are lovely." How did she know that I was mentally tearing myself down at that very moment?!?!

As women we have the power to build up or tear down. I don't think we have the wisdom to even realize it.

This week my bag with all my makeup and hair tools got taken from the women's locker room so I found myself suddenly vulnerable and needing to quickly (and cheaply) replace things that had been collected over time. After that I also had a comment made to me by a woman most likely innocently that made me feel really bad about my looks. Upon my trip to the Clinique counter I came across the sassiest woman who launched into a loud and passionate pacing speech about all of this.

I found the tirade amusing, entertaining and very true. She started in about how women tend to step on each other to get to the top not realizing that if we just helped each other walk up the mountain we'd all get there and be better off. She said "As women we have the privilege to call forth beauty. But instead most of the time we bring our own ugly"

I thought about this a lot. My hope is that I see beauty. And that I love. I am not sure I ever added that I wanted to call forth beauty.Do I know anyone who does?!

My best friend Maurice is like that. As a hair stylist people spend a little time with him and leave feeling like they're a super model. I kid and tell him he's magic like that. But he truly calls forth beauty in others. I think this is kinda sad that I am writing a blog post about women bringing out beauty and the best example I have of someone doing that is a man. But I think it proves again the point of the Clinique state of the union speech.

So here is my new goal. To continue to try to love myself (because I know I need to do this to get to the best part of this goal) and call forth beauty in other women. I'll keep you posted on how it all goes!

mind parachutes

2010-03-20T00:11:00.000-07:00

Every so often I realize that some people actually read this thing. So I shall invest in them as they invest in me.

Tonight I had a hott date with Holden my most favorite kid in the whole wide world to go to the Blazers game and now it is late and I am awaiting his parent's return home. In a bout of delirium I shall blog. This could be the most amazing blog ever or the lamest. I am not sure. I guess we shall see.

What should I tell you?

You know i pretend I am famous often right? I think more than anything it started out of a silly motivator to get to the gym very early. I would pretend the paparazzi were outside to see what I was wearing and how thin I was getting. On bad self esteem days they would report a scandalous baby bump. On very svelte days they would report "is she too thin?!" Oh yeah I'm totally crazy!

Well now due to the most quirky (for real) coworkers I have I am confident that we are being filmed in an "Office" like show. But ours is better. My friend Amanda and I have taken to writing gossip columns about the on set and off set scandals. It is outright amusing.

Imagination is a wonderful thing. I had 4 imaginary friends and an imaginary cousin when I was growing up. I was a lonely only child. Poor but happy. And my best friend Dingy was very bossy. Monkey always helped me be brave and defended me. Christy was a boy- kinda feminine and totally lovable who was brother to Allanula the girl who was the brains of the operations. June was my imaginary cousin and she lived on a farm with a rooster who had a feather of every single color ever made. I played alone as a child but for hours I would be entertained by my friends.

As I got older I was embarrassed by this and got rid of my imaginaries but to be honest, my wild imagination never really went away. And now as I've grown more confident in myself I just let my free spirit roam. If you like me, thats fantastic. If I am off putting, I'm sorry. And we were never meant to be friends anyway. Maurice who I claim is my best is very serious and of course I am always asking him to pretend silly and outrageous things with me. I still don't know if he enjoys this but seems to go along with me. My friend Amanda is ridiculously MORE imaginative than I and will send me these beautiful letters of all the crazy things we have done together in her mind. Meshi my trainer paints these incredible pictures in my mind that get me through tough rides or runs or work outs. The sillier the better really.

Have you seen "Alice in Wonderland" yet? Oh goodness, It was so comforting to me to be reminded of the worlds of imagination that live in our own wandering mind. I loved every minute of it and all the strangeness. I especially want a mad hatter of my own! He was completely delightful!

This is not to say that reality isn't good. In fact life is very happy for me now. Maybe it is out of my happiness that the wild imagination can bloom? I would never want to escape any of my life right now... just exercising my mind I guess.

So even now in my tired state, In my head we are sitting face to face chatting about all sorts of things. We are telling stories of amazing moments in our lives and we are astounding each other with how amazing we both are. We have gone for a walk and ate a wonderful meal and have retreated to the most comfy seats ever and there is an ease in the air. We shall leave each other encouraged, invigorated, hopeful...

face

2010-03-08T22:19:00.000-08:00

I try to find similar poses and expressions for my before and afters. This one kinda creeps me out! ha ha! I need to get a good body shot up too... but for now, here is my March.

Things are very good. I am not really as concerned about the number on the scale but my size keeps getting smaller. Am working on a series in strength training and in a few weeks move onto endurance with Meshi. It's hard to keep myself in clothes with my budget and my frame but it's still fun. I am fit and healthy and active. This is all that matters to me right now! And I think I am becoming a bit more comfy in my body. yay me!

on not going to church

2010-03-06T21:28:00.000-08:00

I will preface this with saying that for the most part I am probably writing this post to Christians. However just because you are not, does not mean you can't read on.

So here is the deal. I used to go to church all the time. I used to love church- the entire ordeal of it: the music, the message, the friends,the programs, the concerts, etc. I was in leadership, I spoke, I taught, my face was on a banner outside the church and on the website. I gave my story for literally thousands to hear.

This was when I lived in the Bible belt and attended a church that was honestly the center of the city. Then I moved to Portland and all of a sudden I was a minority. And the people in the church were asking me "What do YOU believe? Why do you believe it's true? Do you believe it because you were told this or because it's in your heart or in the Bible?!" I believe. That hasn't changed. But I don't go to church right now.

Gasp. And then there was silence.
And someone in my old church is saying "I knew she'd lost her faith because she doesn't mention it on her facebook status! Or much here on her blog!"
Someone else is considering "unfriending" me completely because we don't have similar interests any more. And still someone else is thinking maybe they should start some sort of prayer vigil to grab my soul back from the depths of hell. Maybe someone else is saying "hmmm good for her! I wish I didn't go" and still another "Wow, I love church so much. What is the deal?!"
And I will tell you this, I have never been as happy.

Here is why:

The beginning of church is one of the loneliest times I have ever experienced. Unless you come with someone else, you are destined to only awkward hellos or being completely ignored. Most likely no one will sit next to you unless it's a packed service and they will spend the entire time squirming to pretend they are not sharing space and air with you- a complete stranger who came by themselves.

For a while I went to church because my previous roommates expected me to. If I didn't they would talk to me about how concerned they were about my relationship with God. I didn't want to go and going out of obligation really didn't make my relationship any better. That was the worst thing I've ever done in my "worship" I think. It made me hate going even more. Now I live with two roommates who are very active in church but see me as a worshiper in my own way.

As a generalization (which I realize is not an overall truth) most Christians do not do well with people who have different beliefs or challenge theirs. I like diversity and have found some to shut down, lash out, completely end the conversation or even relationship over this. Also as a majority I have experienced many who have stated they are worried about my faith because I seem to spend so much more time in the gym. However they have not bothered to take into consideration that for me, the gym feels like what I was made for. It's actually a form of worship for me.

Also currently I am in a city that The Church is not strong. I currently am not surrounded by a lot of Christians. The friends I have have been DEEPLY wounded by the church in very hateful ways. They are aware of my faith as I do not hide it- and therefore become a conundrum for them because they actually like me and do not experience hate from me.

So what then?

I hope I don't sound bitter. Because I am not. I don't judge those who get a kick out of going. I especially love the people from my old midwestern church who go several times a week and build a strong life and community for themselves and their families on that. But it isn't for me. At least not right now.

My Sundays are holy. It is my day of rest. I rarely work out and if I do, I make sure it is incorporated in prayer. I spend time doing my Genesis work (Christian based counseling) I read something that provokes my faith. I rest. I go for walks and REALLY spend time seeing beauty and consciously acknowledge that God made it. I am aware of God with me and in me and working all around me probably more now than ever before in my life.

Nothing about me choosing not to go to the actual church has changed the fact that I believe and know God is God. I know He is sovereign over my life. I know He loves me and I Him. I will go to Easter and to celebrations. I will worship in churches on days when I am moved to do so because of my heart for God and not because I feel like in order to be loved and blessed by God I *should*.

I know this probably irks some people. Provokes some. But please let me have this moment. Let me know that for once in my faith life, my worship is actually out of my own desire and not anything else.

wise advice for a smooshed heart

2010-03-06T19:37:00.000-08:00

Today I was given a stern talking to by someone I adore and respect very much. While I didn't enjoy the talk, he always provides beautiful wisdom for me and I trust him deeply because I know he loves me and has my very very best interest in mind. Of course it usually is fiery and passionate which is endearing and also somewhat terrifying.

Without going into the actual circumstances that provoked the wise pacing flailing rant, I will give you the points because I think they are valuable and can cross all sorts of situations in friendships, romance, life in general.

Point 1: If you have to ask someone how they feel about you, you probably really truly already know the answer.

Point 2: If the answer is not in your favor do not immediately go to the old false beliefs of "What is wrong with me?" and "Why am I not enough?" and "What could I do differently so that I am valued more" This is especially true if you have a long long history of being hurt by that particular gender, situation, etc. If you have loved in a way that is true and pure and beautiful, it is not you that is the problem.

Point 3: Your value in this world is not dependant upon others affections for you. Nor is your ability to succeed or even to be an object of positive love, affection, friendship. Base your value on who you *KNOW* you are.

Point 4: Just because you strive to love without conditions and freely, it does not make you a bad person for wanting to be loved in return. You are human. We were designed for interpersonal relationships.

Point 5: Just because you are not loved/liked/whatever in return does not mean you are powerless in the situation. You can never make someone love/like/whatever you but you can choose your own boundaries in the situation. If you need to pull back, do. If you want to suffer through, do. But realize that there are positive and negative consequences of either choice.

Point 6: There are MANY people who actually DO love/like/whatever you. Surround yourself with them and "make your own melt and ride it!"

ha ha! Good luck! From one broken heart to perhaps another a line from the delightful John C Mayer: "I know the heart of life is good"

(I made this picture with Japanese ink blowing a couple of years back when I was in a tumultuous break up. At the time I called it "My Portland Heart" I didn't want it and it was put in an art auction. My boss at the time loved it, bought it and gave it to me as a gift saying "Someday you will want this and you will see it's beauty" I used to view it as messy and broken. Now I see it as a heart with strong roots. It remains "My Portland Heart".)

unprotected heart

2010-02-27T22:43:00.000-08:00

"And the thing that could break you is the thing that might save you"

Today a friend I know told me they are sick. It's serious. And the matter of fact way it was said took me off guard. It was followed by a "I don't want people to know. I don't want to be treated any differently. I want to LIVE happily." The same conversation was to let me know, as someone who is close to them that if it was too much, I could bail if needed. There was no thought of bailing at all on my part. Not one.

This is an interesting thing to experience in my life right now. Earlier this week a friend died. Earlier this week my beloved roommate got her visa and is moving to the UK at the end of March.

The friend's passing was unexpected. Oh I liked her to much and was just getting to know the goods on her!!! I always wanted to just climb up in her lap and be nurtured because she was just so maternal. She made me giggle. She made me feel happy in my very core. I am sad she is gone and while I have a good perspective on death it doesn't stop the missing spot she leaves. Honestly it sucks. Her husband is my circuit work out buddy. Her best friend is my trainer. Two amazing men still in my life, deeply affected by grief. I can only stand back and love when allowed.

The roommate... I knew her staying was only temporary when I moved in the house. And after only a few days in I knew I had gotten myself into a situation that would end in a loss. She is so brilliant and funny and a good good GOOD friend to me. She and I are like long lost sisters. I know we'll remain friends but there will be a void in my daily life that will ache.

I think about these situations. I had a conscious choice in at least two of them. I could protect my heart from loss. I could have kept my walls up with my roommate knowing my time with her was short. I could back away slowly from my sick friend not wanting to risk the suffering I will see and the loss that will ultimately come about.

But I would have missed out. There would be less belly laughs and heart to hearts and adventures. There would be less learning and growing from the specific and special things that only they can bring to my life. There would be less of me living. And that's just dumb.

There were days years ago (heck you probably could go back in this very blog and see them) where I was so paralyzed by the fear of loss and abandonment I couldn't let my heart be free.

And now in the midst of this week and these three things, I am content. Happy even. I am grieving the loss of my friend. I HATE that my other friend is sick. I don't think I can even comprehend the time when my roommate will not be here any more. But getting to have those footprints on my heart helping to form my life, they are so much better than being protected.

pondering...

2010-02-21T00:39:00.000-08:00

The other night I sat with a friend as they cried. They were tears of grief and fear and a heart broken by the realities of life. Those tears had a very specific provoker but most likely flowed from much earlier events.

I've decided the most helpless place is this spot- watching someone you love wrestle out the hurt of their heart. Yet its also very intimate. I'm a cryer. I've been in many public places weeping with horrified people looking on. But to sit down with someone face to face and acknowledge that you hurt and just let it flow, that's special.

Life is such an amazing thing. It's fragile and wonderful and crushing and confusing. I don't quite know what to make of it. Just this morning I sat in the big comfy chair with my breakfast and the sun streaming in. I could see the flowers in bloom. They are amazing because without my noticing just one day they popped in yellow and purple majesty. Always around Lent... always. And I watched this bird soar overhead. Of course not an original thought but I was aware at that moment that someone was dying, being born, making love, being hurt, facing fear, starting an addiction, doing something to make someone proud. It's unsettling and yet grounding the way that things just keep on going.

So as my friend grieved there was beauty in the tears and in the healing balm those tears will turn into. There was beauty in my opportunity to sit and listen and love gently and the way that moment changed my heart as well. All things can be used for good. I believe that. It doesn't mean they don't suck so bad you never think they could, but if we're willing to actually watch it unfold...